Those words were his last thought as he fell through the air, seconds from what he hoped would be his impending death. As helicopters circled above and spectators watched below, successful attorney Robert Behlen leaped from the fifth floor ledge of a hospital in Oklahoma City. Live television cameras captured this unbelievable scene for all the world to see. Moments before rescue workers could reach him, he did the unthinkable and jumped. As the screams and shrieks grew silent and the cameras focused on the deathly still human form, all who were watching believed they witnessed the horrifying passing of someone who was once a shining star, the tragic ending of a good life gone bad. They were wrong. Miraculously, Behlen survived.
After some time, he opened his eyes and saw a kaleidoscope of grays, like a winter sky, threatening and heavy. He blinked and looked again. Strobing flashes of black and white, pulsating and blinding. He attempted to move. Nothing. He made an effort to sit up. No response. Then the pain hit him with the power and force of a volcanic eruption. He felt sharp, stabbing points of torture everywhere. Panic exploded inside of him. He was still alive. Fear and trepidation overcame him as his mind started racing. "I should be dead ... this can't be ... I am an atheist ...." A thunderstorm of confusion was raging inside his head and his last thought after he jumped came rushing back, "God if you are real, I hope you are benevolent." Then he passed out.
Robert Behlen was one of the most successful Civil Attorneys in Oklahoma City. He was a skilled litigator who attracted large cases. His firm was highly regarded and brought in millions of dollars annually. He had no material wants or needs. He was living his dreams, practicing law, raising his three sons. During a complex and stressful trial he experienced chest pains. He was rushed to the hospital. It was discovered that his right lung had collapsed and he was immediately hospitalized. To alleviate his physical pain he was given morphine as he recovered. Upon release he was prescribed Oxycontin. He became addicted and could not break free. When his prescription expired, he was told that heroin had the same effect. He was hooked after the first injection. His law practice continued to flourish and grow. So did his craving for heroin. Eventually his habit was costing hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. As a result of years of addiction, something had to give. His finances did. More than a decade of heroin use pillaged his life savings and retirement funds. Eventually his habit's cost exceeded his annual income. The lack of finances did not end his cravings. It only intensified his need. So one night push came to shove. In an act of desperation, he robbed a pharmacy at gunpoint, demanding all its Oxycontin and Demerol. And this act led him to county jail, a federal indictment, two suicide attempts, and a five-year federal prison sentence.
I met Robert at the Federal Correctional Institution here in Austin, Texas. He is one of my co-workers in the Law Library. Without a doubt, he is one of the most intellectually gifted individuals I have ever known. He possesses a brilliant mind, a vast and expansive vocabulary, and an astonishing memory. He can recite passages from hundreds of novels and recall lines and scenes from films unlike anyone I have ever met. Due to my years spent in the ministry and his professed atheism, we have had countless conversations about the existence of God. His inquisitive mind and great intellect have led to challenging questions I have had to ponder and research for days, sometimes weeks, before I could give a rational and intelligent response. Our debates of apologetics have created an environment of openness and transparency about our personal lives.
Recently, we discussed his future and upcoming release from prison. During our conversation I sensed he had a tendency to see the road ahead through a filter of doubt and worry, smudged by age and the stains of a squandered life, a felony conviction, and the shame of his suicide attempt becoming a media circus. After listening to his thoughts, I felt compelled to share these words with him: "Bob your past is not your future. Allow your story of recovery and overcoming to be an inspiration to millions. Let your new freedom empower you. Don't cower away and hide from your failures. Embrace the shame and the pain, causing you to reach new heights, pushing you to rise above the ruins of your past. Use your education and intellect, your story and all its exposure to assist and help others, lifting them from the muck and mire of personal failure. Whether you want to believe it or not, there is a God who loves you and still has a plan for your life. A great plan." That last comment caused him to roll his eyes and left him with a very puzzled look on his face. I continued, ''Your addiction to heroin was fueled by more than morphine and Oxycontin; it was more than the fleeting emotional highs and euphoric feelings. What really fueled your addiction was your inner emptiness. Deep within you were disconnected. In your daily life you connected with a career, found meaning in your family, discovered and attained financial success. Yet you were still empty, you longed for something more. That longing is the story of humanity. And it can only be filled by experiencing God's love and forgiveness. God is the source of all life and fulfillment. He can breathe life into what you see as a flatlined future. There is a life awaiting you that is bigger than anything you can dream or imagine. There is a reason you are still alive and have been given a wide berth in death. You have survived two suicide attempts and an addiction that should have killed you a long time ago. Seize what God has for you because it is very real." Then I asked him this question, "If you were truly an atheist, why would your last thought as you jumped to your hopeful death be, "God, if you’re real, I hope you are benevolent?"
Following are two links to the live news coverage of events mentioned above. I am sure you will find it riveting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnZG6MDozI4 (drugstore robbery)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FKWKncFaAI (jump from fifth floor ledge)
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