I am standing in a parking lot in some location somewhere and everything is not as it should be and it's horrible and bad and horrible horrible bad and I am confused and lost and do not know where I am or where I am going. I am in a time warp and have been transported to some bizarre place for some bizarre experiment in some bizarre world and no one could understand unless they were standing next to me and if they were standing they could not understand ever understand. My body is dressed in dirty clothes belonging to someone else and the shirt on my back is speckled with patches of bile from someone else. The underwear slipping off my waist is streaked with stains from someone else and the pants sliding down my legs are blemished with dirt and grime from someone else. My face is hot and red and wet and it's burning and throbbing. My sweat is baking and bubbling and scorching. My eyes are stinging and itching and every few seconds hot fluid slips inside and seals my lids and for a moment there is relief as the world turns black. Black black black.
My hands are distended and they are chained to my waist and my wrists are red and blue and they throb as steel shackles cut into my white puffy skin leaving deep impressions of purple and violet. My feet are swollen and they are tethered together and heavy manacles weigh on my scraped enflamed ankles perforating the thin tissue resting as shelves on my bones. I stand and I breathe and I stand and I stare. I am alone, lost and broken. I stare at my surroundings. I stare at freedom. I stare at once was at should be. Alone lost broken I stare. Stare stare stare.
The hot sun is shining and all its rays are penetrating and I am burning and melting and dissolving and liquefying and through a flaming mirage I see the waves rolling and rising and rolling through the conflagration that surrounds me and I have slipped into hell and the staggering waves roll and rise and roll and bounce and crush and through the blur I see the blonde and the blue and the brown and the brown and the blonde and the blue and the innocence and the smiles and I am carried away to another place in another time and I hear the voices, the soft little tender voices, I hear. Hear hear hear.
I Hear.
Daddy.
I hear.
Giggles.
I hear.
Laughter.
I hear soft, sweet, tender, beautiful voices from heaven and for a moment, just for a moment there is peace and calm and tranquility and the waves are lucid and clear and they carry me softly and gently to a better place, to a better better place and I hear Daddy Daddy Daddy.
I hear.
Daddy Daddy.
I hear.
Daddy look.
I hear.
Daddy Daddy come see.
I hear.
Hurry Daddy hurry hurry.
I hear.
Daddy Daddy look look hurry Daddy hurry hurry.
I hear and I hear and I hear again and hear again and hear again and again and I am lost in a better world in a better time in a better place and I close my eyes and the world is bright and blue and blonde and brown and liquid slips from eyes, seeps trickles escapes slips from my eyes. I try to forget where I am and why I am here. I try to forget what lies in front of me. I try to forget about prison, about separation, about loneliness, about shame, about failure. I try to forget that there is a world outside of that which is in my head. I try to forget that my daughters have lost. I try to forget that the blue and the blonde and the brown and the blue have lost. Lost daddy lost daddy lost lost lost lost. I try to forget that daddy can't look can't see can't hurry can't look can't see can't hurry. I try to forget to forget to forget. I hear a voice. I hear a terrible and awful voice, a terrible terrible awful voice.
Move.
I hear.
Move now.
Harsh yelling screaming.
Quit standing and move.
I hate the voice I hear. I want to squeeze my head and my ears and squeeze and plug and press and stuff and jam and swing and punch and tear and rip and destroy and scream and squeeze and plug and stuff. The sun is burning and I am sweating and dripping and soaking and hurting and aching. My feet are heavy, my body is tired, my mind is broken.
I hear the awful terrible voice.
I said move.
Move now asshole.
I ignore and I move.
Alone lost broken I move. Step. Shuffle. Step. Shuffle. Step. Shuffle. I hear chains. I hear metal. I hear scraping. The walk is only a few minutes but it seems like a lifetime. Step shuffle step shuffle step shuffle.
Keep moving.
I hear.
Faster.
I hear.
Move faster.
I ignore and I move. Step shuffle step shuffle. And I hear, I hear it all. The voice in my head. The voice outside my head. The noise in my head. The noise outside my head. I hear it all I hear it all I hear it all. Daddy daddy chains metal scraping move Daddy come look chains move now Daddy come see come see Daddy metal move faster hurry Daddy hurry hurry scraping move faster move move faster. I want to scream and run and go back to a better place and a better time and there is this voice, the awful terrible voice I ignore and the voice screams MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE.
I turn around and I stare.
Alone lost broken I stare.
I still have some dignity. I have lost everything but still have something. A speckle, a sliver, a grain, I still have something. I still have some dignity somewhere somehow. You won't steal my dignity.
MOVE.
I am moving.
MOVE FASTER.
I am moving faster.
TURN AROUND AND KEEP MOVING.
Screw you I am moving.
The gates open and hell and its legions are manifesting themselves in dense pain in heavy anger in fiery rage in foul language and I hear a voice, a vile hostile voice, an awful terrible vile hostile voice.
WHAT DID YOU SAY ASSHOLE?
You heard me.
My eyes close and my mind closes and my heart closes and the world goes black and everything goes black and I am lost and I have lost and this lostness has reduced me to a lump of sadness and regret and grief and anguish and my daughters have lost and daddy is lost and we have lost. The sun is climbing and the heat is rising and the day is growing and my feet are weighty and my hands are heavy and my body is burning and my heart is pounding and I hear steps. I hear footsteps. I hear running footsteps. I hear heavy running footsteps. I hear heavy running angry footsteps and I hear vileness and craziness and madness and I am surrounded by insanity and my mind is black and my heart is black and the world is black and I hear steps. I hear footsteps. I hear running footsteps. I hear soft running footsteps. I hear soft running happy footsteps and I hear happiness and joyfulness and playfulness and I am surrounded by small little feet pattering and running and jumping and leaping pattering running jumping leaping into my arms and I hear laughing and giggling and kissing laughing giggling kissing and I hear Daddy Daddy I love you I love you Daddy I love you.
Something else comes and it makes me feel weak and scared and fragile and I don't want to be hurt and this feeling is the feeling I have when I know I can be hurt and hurt deeper and more terribly than anything physical and I want it to come and I want to believe and I want to hold on and I want it to come but I am alone lost broken weak fragile scared. My mind is shackled and my heart is shackled and my dreams are shackled and my hopes are shackled and my faith is shackled and everything I believe is shackled but it still comes and it arrives and it comforts and it calms and it assures and it promises and it declares and it does not leave and I hear and it speaks and I hear a voice, a still small voice.
I am here.
A still small voice.
I am here.
A still small voice.
I am here.
Here.
Now.
I hear a voice.
Fight.
Survive.
Overcome.
Recover.
Rise.
I hear voices.
Blue.
Blonde.
Brown.
I hear a voice.
Fight.
Recover.
Rise.
I hear a still small voice.
I am here.
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