Daughters

Daughters

My three beautiful daughters are doing remarkably well in spite of all that's befallen their lives. God has protected and watched over the girls. Shayne and Abby are seniors in high school, and I'm extremely proud of these two young ladies. Both girls maintain a high GPA, and are very active in their schools, involved in a variety of extracurricular activities from student council to sports. They're making the most of their senior year.

Shayne is outgoing, adventurous, and possesses an endless curiosity. That beautiful sense of wonderment has not waned through the years. At times it scares me to death. She certainly knows how to keep me on my knees in prayer. I speak to her throughout the week, and every time we talk, her stories have me laughing, then worrying. She is a people person and has a boundless world of friends. When I call, it seems she's always introducing me to someone new. She'll just pass the phone, saying something like, "Meet my Dad, he's awesome. Don't worry that he's in prison, it's a crazy story." Next thing you know, I'm talking to her friends as if we've known each other for years. That's just Shayne: fearless, bold, a free spirit, living every minute to the full. She lives in the sunrise of life. Her personality causes me to see the wider horizons, the wider berths. Like a beautiful sunrise breaking across a violet sky, her wonderful spirit conveys the infinite power of possibility.

Abby is more reserved and has a sweet, tender spirit. She is polite, courteous, always giving thought to others, and loves God with all her heart. She's a servant, going beyond the call of duty at her school and church. Abby has a dry, quiet sense of humor. She is loyal and mature beyond her years. If Abby's your friend, you'll have a friend for life. She also maintains a carefree spirit, choosing not to worry about anything. She is a hard worker, disciplined, and keeps her nose to the grind in her efforts. Abby's personality causes me to see the extraordinary beauty that comes from a life engaged in altruistic ideas. Like a million points of light twinkling in the black canopy of night, her beautiful spirit sparks inspiration.

Abby and Shayne are resilient, having experienced wounds their peers know little about. Life has been unfair to them. Selfish choices of adults have fractured their hearts, clouded their sunshine. Yet, in that world of cruelty, the girls did not become victims of their circumstances. Never did they become bitter or hardened, or surrender to self-pity. They've determined themselves to define the negative experiences. The innocent forms of their lives, though wounded by deep cuts of pain, have survived and are now blossoming. Those petals are unfolding, revealing two beautiful, talented, and incredibly resilient young ladies.

Abby is hoping to attend Pepperdine, UC Davis, or the University of Hawaii in the fall and desires to become a pediatrician. Shayne has applied to NYU, Boston University, Loyola-Chicago, Hofstra, and USF, aspiring to become a lawyer.

My youngest is Shelby and she is now eight. She's in the third grade and growing up fast. She's extremely intelligent and very articulate. Just like with the older girls, I miss my little bundle of life so much. I have not seen her in nearly six years. Shelby's a little sweetheart. Her personality is a combination of her two older sisters. We speak on the phone two or three times a week, and our conversations center mainly on her world. Sometimes, we take make-believe trips to different countries and cities. Thus far, we've toured Los Angeles, New York, and London; Russia, Germany, Mexico, and Switzerland. Shelby enjoys taking care of her pets, going to church, playing games on her iPod and Nintendo DS. She was voted to her school's student council, enjoys spending time with her sisters and friends, and takes ballet lessons. This winter she'll perform in Sacramento's production of "The Nutcracker Suite."

Unable to play the role of a conventional father, I try to speak with one of the girls on the phone each day. I send cards, notes, and do whatever I can to be a father from a difficult place. Yet, I'm well aware that nothing will fill the cavernous void my physical absence brings to their lives. Daughters need fathers who are present, who dote, comfort, encourage, guide, embrace, and actively engage their lives and world. Every day, in my confined space, I get down on my knees and ask God to make this happen for my girls, to reunite us much sooner than expected. At night, in bed I brush their photos against my lips, place them over my heart, and whisper to God to do a miracle for us all.

When I think of my girls, it feels as though there is a gaping hole in the middle of my heart. I've been absent from the most important years of their young lives. Absent from the evening meals, the laughs, the events, the accomplishments, the illnesses, the school days, from the long string of simple rituals that make up a child's life. I've missed the beautiful smiles in the morning, the innocence of discovery, the genuine wonder in their eyes. I've missed the constant chatter that was in our home: the giggling and screaming and crying and banging. I loved all the chaos the girls brought when they were playing, living it up, having the time of their lives. I just loved all that life. I loved being an active father: the sports, the bike rides, the travels, the movies, the lake, the activities. I miss holding my girls. Nothing ever fits a father's palm so perfectly, feels so right, or inspires so much, as the hand of his child wrapped inside his hand. And nothing bring more comfort and more hope and more security to a child than their little hand nestled inside daddy's big hand.

Resulting from our own choices, and at times, the choices of others, we all reach some sort of disenchantment in our lives. We arrive at some place where we hoped for elation and fulfillment, but found desolation and emptiness instead. And that locale is a very difficult place to live, to understand, often void of answers. Events are upon you in an instant, unforeseen and without warning, and sometimes marked by disappointment and tragedy. Yet, landing at such a place can lead to a better understanding of the bittersweet truth of life: Every human endeavor is collaboration. Even though life now is not what I expected or imagined, I have experienced things these last few years, which I never knew, existed. You lose a lot in an ordeal like this, but you find a new you, a newfound belief in yourself and life's greatest treasures.

An African proverb says, "A person is a person through other people." No man is an island. We do little on our own. We play a role in the genesis of our own experience and in the experience of others. Deep emotional currents move us all, marking our passage through life. There is providence in every step we take. God gently walks by our side. He celebrates our victories. He mourns with us in our defeats. He is there when we honor Him with our choices; and He is still there when we dishonor Him. He is there for one reason:  He loves us unconditionally. I have learned that in the darkest moments of my life, God has been here, even when I thought He abandoned me. And I know that if God did not leave me in my time of trouble, He will not leave you when you walk through your deepest valley. If your facing adversity, overcome by failure, feeling hurt, keep pressing toward God's plan for your life, seeking to live in a way that honors him. Don't give up or give in. Love your family, your spouse, your children, with all your heart. Hold nothing back. For they are your greatest treasure.