Steadfast Resolve - An Update - March 2016

Last September, I was court ordered back to Sacramento for a two-day evidentiary hearing on my Habeas Appeal. I'm still awaiting a ruling from the judge overseeing my case. Two weeks ago, I amended my initial filing with a new claim disclosing recently uncovered illegalities committed by the government in my case. Important discovery was withheld and certain acts of the FBI violated my constitutional right to due process.

After seven months in Sacramento, I was transferred back to Mendota the day the new filing hit the court on a grueling 12 hour bus ride to Las Vegas, followed by another mind-bending 15 hour journey from Vegas to Mendota, shackled and blackboxed. The transport company contracted by the Feds blackboxes all detainees. A blackbox is an inhumane safety device clamping the handcuff chain (normally used only for violent prisoners), severely restricting hand movement. Any motion causes the cuffs to dig deep into your flesh. On the transport, I often wondered if the American populace had any idea of what goes on in America's prison industry: warehousing talented individuals for decades in prison factories; transporting individuals across this country like animals; engendering men to waste away behind fences and walls with little opportunity for rehabilitation. Bernard Kerik, former NYPD Commissioner and Homeland Security Director nominee under the Bush Administration, spent three years in Federal Prison. The man who had spent most of his once-distinguished career putting people in prison had this to say once he experienced prison himself: "You have to be on the other side of the bars. You have to see what it's like to be a victim of the system, so to speak. There's no way to do that from the other side. If the American people saw what I saw, there would be anger, there would be outrage, and there would be change, because nobody would stand for it."

America's obsession with incarceration is a dark stain on our self-proclaimed "greatest nation on earth" status. It's an atrocity that the "land of the free" contains 25% of all the world's prisoners and that we incarcerate more individuals per capita than any nation on earth, including those we accuse of human rights violations: Russia, Syria, Iran, and China. Mass incarceration is the result of a broken justice system. In a recent piece for the Georgetown Law Review, Federal Judge Alex Kozinski, a Reagan appointee, explained why Americans need to open their eyes and realize that the U.S. Justice System is far from just. Rather, according to Kozinski, "the system tilts heavily in favor of District Attorneys, incarcerates thousands of innocent people and fails to hold accountable prosecutors who abuse their power." Kozinski wrote, "The FBI has a unique opportunity to direct investigations so as to stack the deck against people they believe should be convicted."

My conviction is a result of both veins of injustice referenced in Judge Kozinski's words. (See blog, "The Winds of Reform" www.stevewilson777.blogspot.com) Should my case be overturned due to the plethora of illegalities revealed in my latest court filings, I will speak publicly about my "illegal" incarceration and how the system is so stacked against all citizens at every level. "Innocent until proven guilty" is no longer the reality in the United States. The reverse holds true. Our founding fathers must shake in their graves as the Constitution is trampled upon daily throughout the nation's Federal Courts and by the inequitable actions of the government's alphabet agencies.

Recent discoveries in my case have sparked a fire inside me. Though arduous and painful, I believe God allowed this nightmare experience to unfold so I may become a voice for change. By sharing my side of the story, I'll finally be able to address numerous lies and untruths floated to the media by the government. I hope to use my communication skills to bring an awareness to the unfairness and improprieties of our criminal justice system. No matter the outcome, I will never give up this fight for justice. I cannot relent. Silence is not an option. In fighting, I'm fighting for truth and for others in a similar position. I'm fighting for my daughters and their future. No matter where the road leads, I'll endure and share this story. Endurance is more than the ability to bear a hard thing; it's pressing ahead with the deepest resolve to turn a bad experience into something positive. If I can instill hope in others by sharing my pain, exercising vulnerability in revealing personal failure and hardship, hope may take root in the hearts of others, becoming a potent resource for them. Shared suffering inspires. It fortifies optimism.

Setbacks in our lives carry enormous upside if we embrace the carnage. Weeding out the good from the bad is part of our growth. Life, history, the example of others cue us to adopt the chaos, itself a paradox of joy and sorrow, life and death dwelling in the same space, neither canceling the other out. When we walk through a devastating period of loss, losing a piece of ourselves, losing innocence and portions of our faith, hope, and love, new life can arise from the smoldering embers. When life's circumstances bear down upon us to such an extent that we can scarcely withstand the assaults, God offers our spirits a reversal, granting discernment to sense that our ideas are often wrong about the present difficulties. What we mostly perceive as bad and dark is ultimately good and light. God allows adversity into our lives for a purpose far greater than our finite thinking permits us to comprehend. Though bad things befall us and the indiscretions of others may harm us, those injuries only serve a God who provides the remedies to trump harmful intentions. Our troubles serve a higher purpose, unknown and unseen in our present space. Soak in everything around you, both the good and the bad.  Meaning and clarity will find you. Observation is the fuel of inspiration.

Every experience in our lives is a gift, including those holding heartbreak, failure, loss, and suffering. Life is about every feeling, self-doubt and depression as much as joyful bliss. All emotion is useful and if we harness our feelings to decipher meaning, then express that discovery through sharing, we make the world a much better place. If we fail to use our experiences and position in life to help others, what is the point of striving so hard for fulfillment? Fulfillment ultimately comes through giving: Giving of ourselves and experiences. Sharing with another.

Arriving back at Mendota has been a breath of fresh air. It has allowed me to find some normalcy within an abnormal environment. In Sacramento, it was difficult to create routine. Besides my daily workout regimen, very few stimulants were available to distract me from the grim atmosphere. No music, email, sunshine, chapel. Scant resources and limited television. Visits with friends and family were conducted through a glass partition. Like a colorful wildflower in a barren field, Mendota provides surroundings where I can find inspiration. I've been reunited with music (my iPod), email, the outdoors, a chapel, quality television and movies. Visits are held in a pleasant room where I can hug and kiss family and friends. I'm back in an atmosphere where I can engage routines I've come to enjoy. Though a free spirit at heart, forever trusting instinct and loving the autonomy that spontaneity provides, I've come to value the structure and discipline that come from routine. Such austerity keeps me focused and driven.

Mostly, I'm thrilled to regain my writing routine. I hope to complete my trio of novels and a personal memoir. During my time in Sacramento it was impossible to get into a rhythm where I could carve out space to connect with my thoughts and put them on paper. The chaos and din of a county jail present obstacles difficult to overcome. To be at my best, I need solitude and inspiration, I need natural elements and sceneries of life such as a blue sky and warm sun, rolling clouds and rain droplets.

Writing has been a reprieve from the storm for me.  It has allowed me to dream again, to reimagine life after the tempest passes. When you lose everything and have nothing, then find something again that you love to do, you regain the world.  When I rediscovered my love for writing, I found a sanctuary. I found a home for myself.  It made me work hard and not waste these years because I had nothing else. I cleaved my way into the habit and learned to write again by studying and emulating my favorite writers. I'd sit for hours each day writing longhand, duplicating chapters, entire books, so I could feel the rhythm and cadence of the author's prose.

This eight-year ordeal has caused me to look differently at the world. The shift in viewpoint has affected everything about me, everything about how I discern time and chance and belief. About how I perceive the world works, how life is brief and fragile and encumbered with discolor, how bliss lifts and sorrow squeezes all life within. In this crucible of personal change my stories were born.

For me, creating stories is creating life, a gift that keeps on giving. I have this fascination with characters who push the boundaries, who are vulnerable, and yet, willing to risk it all to live like we all want to live, pushing against the restraints. I've created real characters who are mangled by life's realities and their own kind of self-doubts. Yet, they find a way to push forward, finding some resolve, some hope, be it through the help of others or their own self-determined will. When our dreams and hopes are victimized and taken from us, none of us are designed to be restrained. We're wired to seize moments given to us, to claim what is ours. However, we often run from our inborn nature and subconsciously deny ourselves those things we know will fulfill us. In turn, we settle for mediocrity, for careers and circumstance we loathe, relegating us to a life often lacking passion, somewhat bored and unfulfilled. My stories are laced with this theme.

My trilogy is made up of characters that are hard to forget. I'm eager to complete the books and introduce the story to you, especially the characters. I believe readers will fall in love with them and identify with their struggles: a Bosnian refugee from Sarajevo who carries dark secrets, survives Serbian rape camps, migrates to Italy to be discovered by a premier fashion house and groomed to become the world's next supermodel; a twenty-something American social worker employed by UNICEF who seems to arrange his life for the purpose of helping others. His sense of duty is so strong that he's able to repress most of his baser impulses in order to do what he believes to be right. At his core, he sees himself as kind of an irreparably damaged person incapable of being loved; a young orphaned child from Beirut needing to be a child again; a Swiss Expat banker from the Middle East hell bent to help any who've walked in his shoes; two rogue Irish lawyers; a hedge fund trader from California; an Italian soccer star born into the Camorra Mafia family; a beauty queen from the Appalachians; a dot-com billionaire; an investigative journalist from London; a maimed toddler girl from a squatter community in Bangladesh.

The main locale in my trilogy is Venice, Italy. The poetry of the lagoons, the warren of intimate walkways and canals, the intoxicating scenery and connection to romance at every corner serve as the ideal backdrop for the storylines. Venice is a small city with an abundance of myth and history causing everything to feel amplified. The magic of the timeless city is more than its scenery; Venice allows you to feel every human emotion in any setting because the city's atmosphere retains its ancient spells. The trilogy also takes the reader on a suspense-filled journey to other exotic locales: Sarajevo, London, New York, Miami, Beirut, Amsterdam, Rome; the Bay Area and America's Heartland; the Middle East, Far East and Eurozone.

In the end, my fight for justice and my headlong dive into writing is fueled by my love for my daughters. They're my world, my inspiration. Their lives have granted me unexplainable joy, unimaginable hope.  Even on my worst days, the instant softening and loving feelings that thoughts of my girls bring me without them ever knowing they're doing it, without any premeditation or self-consciousness, is something I never could have imagined. To give them anything less in return would be unforgiveable.

Please continue to pray for my appeal and for justice to be served.

Love,

       Steve