Perspective

It's hard to believe I have been away from my daughters for twenty-seven months.  It still seems surreal in so many ways.  There are instances each day I stare out some window and reflect.  I think about so many things.  I get lost in thought for unspecified periods of time.  Eventually I slip back into reality and remind myself that this is indeed happening.  It is not a bad dream.  It's not a nightmare from which I will soon awake.  This is all real, so very real.

The realness and gravity of my present plight is always understood when I feel the pain.  The pain of separation.  The pain of failure.  The pain of hurt.  Pain is a stark reminder of something wrong, something that is wrong, something that went wrong.  I am learning how to balance the consequence of this pain; the tears, the involuntary flashes of hopelessness, the brokenness.  I allow the pain to take its course in my heart, in my feelings, in my mind.  It must do its work.  Pain opens my soul and exposes its depths.  I find balance by looking into the unknown, beyond the feelings, into the unforseen world that is to come.  I strive to find meaning in what sometimes feels like a bleak situation, a fate that cannot be changed.  I am determined to transform this personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn my predicament into a human achievement.  I have discovered a secret strength that carries me through the dark moments ... when I am no longer able to change a situation, I must change myself.

History is filled with stories of remarkable courage in the midst of horrendous circumstances, be it unspeakable tragedy, indescribable grief, surviving conditions that appeared to be insurmountable.  The human spirit has displayed time and time again that it can overcome any obstacle, any barrier, any pain, any tragedy.  Rising above, reaching beyond is not found through attempts to change existing circumstances.  No one can change death.  No one can change an act of betrayal.  No one can change the devastating results of a tragic event, an unjust situation, a personal failure.  No one can change another person's acts of hatred, of cruelty, of hurt, of injury.  But one can change one's self.  The key to overcoming is discovered internally, gauging the situation, advancing here, retreating there, correcting your invisible route, and changing your perspective.

Change is an inevitable law of nature.  It exacts its toll on all of our lives.  Seasons change.  Times change.  Life changes.  Change comes from uncontrollable circumstance in our lives.   Change comes from controllable circumstance -- mistakes, failure, selfishness, and its counterparts as well -- perfection, success, altruism.  Our lives, our world, metamorphose themselves through change.  The only change we control is in altering ourselves.

One paradigm that has changed in my life is in my expectation.  It is not really important what I expect from life, but what is of importance is what life expects from me.  The life I speak of encompasses every aspect of that life that envelops me, the life that I touch, the life that I feel.  I am not writing from a perspective of my life or an individual life, but life as a whole.  The life I describe is everything living that circulates in the sphere of my world.  I must allow the shift in my thinking to be lived out in this sphere.  What I expect from life brings with it one set of goals and hopes, one set of expectations and results.  What life expects from me brings a completely different set which resists the intransigent desires of self.  What life expects of me embodies others.  It places the feelings, goals, and dreams of my children on a higher plane than my own.  It considers my behavior in light of how it may impact them.  This is living within the paradigm of what life expects of me.

I have found clarity as I look into the future, as I consider so much.  This lucidity helps me see it's what you do with a given experience that really defines who you become.  When your perspective of life changes, your inner self is altered dramatically.  Living in the realm of what life expects of me enables me to understand that I never have to prove to anyone that I matter.  The pressures of performance, image, status fade to a bigger idea that encompasses so much more than my life.  I have been enlightened through looking at personal tragedy.  With great tragedies come great truths.  Such truths either bring people together or tear them apart.  And the response to this growing closer or being torn apart changes dramatically when you see this in light of the two perspectives.  What I expect from life brings one response.  What life expects from me brings a response that is the opposite of the former.  I believe the latter is the better way.  It enables love to work in wider scope, it creates space between opposites, space which allows room for error in the process of people growing together.  Love is perfect.  People are not.  And this space allows people to fail, yet gives room for the perfectness of love to remain.