A day in my life

I wanted to give you an update on what is taking place in my life. Many of you have written and asked how I spend my time. Below is my schedule during the week.

6:45 Wake Up & Breakfast

7:30 Work in the Library (legal work, research, write)

11:00 Lunch

11:30 Devotional Time, Prayer, Reading

12:30 Prep for my ABS/Core Training Class ... Cardio

1:00 ABS/Core Class

2:00 Weight Training

4:00 Read, TV, Rest

5:00 Dinner

6:00 Spin Class (Bikes)

7:00 Basketball

8:30 Reading, TV/Movie, Write, Chess

11:00 Bed

This is pretty much my schedule for the week. I have ABS/Core Training class M, T,TH, F and Spin Class is M,TH, F. Days I do not have classes, I often go to the Chapel Video Room/Library and watch movies, study, write or to the gym to play Basketball. Our Basketball and Softball leagues are about to start, so I will be playing in 2 Basketball and 2 Softball games per week. On weekends I relax. I spend a lot of time at the Rec yard reading, writing, and working out.

The Prison I am in is about 30 miles from Austin, TX. There are 1400 inmates at this facility. The best description ... it's like being on a small college campus surrounded by a fence. An all male college that is. We do have women on the compound. They work in various areas as staff. The campus itself is very pretty. There are many trees, plants and grassy areas. We live in dormitory housing with 2 to 3 per room. During the day, we wear khaki pants and t-shirts, sweatshirts, or button-down shirts. After 4 PM and on weekends, we wear clothes similar to the free world. The compound has a gymnasium, track, football field, tennis & racquetball courts, and a game room with ping pong, pool and other table games. There are a wide variety of cardio machines. The compound also has 5 different bands and they put on concerts once a month. We have organized leagues in Basketball, Softball, and Soccer. There are other activities we can involve ourselves in and these range in a wide degree. They cover everything from educational classes to activities such as Bocce, Horseshoes, Handball, Frisbees, Leathercraft and Hobbycraft. Holiday weekends have various tournaments, activities and competitions. We can enter any event and prizes are awarded for placing. I have won the three-point and free-throw shooting contest.

We have a very active Church. The chapel accomodates 300 people and is full every Sunday for our service. The worship is phenomenal. The preaching is inspiring and anointed. Guest speakers come in from the outside twice a month. If you attended a service you would not feel you were in a prison. It would seem like you were in the free world. Throughout the week we also have various small groups and prayer meetings.

I am doing really well. I have determined to make the best of this situation. I will not allow it to destroy me. I am filled with deep resolve and fierce commitment to better myself as a man, as a father, as a person. And I want to do this in every facet of my life ... intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically. Thus the serious commitment to exercise, weight training, athletics, study, and to spiritual and emotional disciplines. Physically, I am in the best shape of my life. I weigh 182 and my body fat is 6%.

In some sense this is an unbelievable nightmare. But I know God is in control. Something good will come from this situation. And this is not some hopeful wish, dreamlike fantasy or misguided illusion. No, there is deep conviction in my spirit ... a concrete strength that I have never seen or felt in my life before. I know God's hand of fate is at work and this will turn out good for all involved.

Storms of emotion come often bringing with them fierce winds and dark clouds of sadness, loneliness, and hurt. They come mostly when I think about my daughters. Fortunately my mind and heart are filled with beautiful memories that sustain me. I miss my girls terribly. There was nothing I loved more than being an active father. I am grateful that I was able to do many things with the girls, leaving them with wonderful memories and the belief you can dream any dream, believe in your dreams, reach for them and attain them. Through this experience, I am determined to show my girls that good can come from bad, that love is more powerful than hate, that you can rise form the ashes of failure, rebuild your life, and have a positive impact in our world. I will not allow myself to become bitter and hardened, to surrender to self-pity and regret. Individual failures are no excuse to give in and no exemption from the common obligation to give of ourselves, regardless of what environment we find ourselves. I will turn this situation around to touch as many lives as possible and right as many wrongs as the years will allow.

I have learned much about myself. I work on myself everyday. I want to understand myself. In doing so, I will be a better man, a better father, a better husband. Through this ordeal I have learned much about life, about reality, about people. This experience gives me a new and deeper appreciation for living. I understand that time is all we have and we may find out one day we have less than we think. We must make the most of everyday, of every opportunity, of every moment, especially the moments we have with the people we love. Our significant other. Our children. Our parents. Our family. We must live in the present and enjoy it to fully appreciate all we have and to experience the depth, the mystery, the wonder of love. We cannot know for certain how long we have here. We cannot foresee the trials or misfortunes that will test us along the way. We cannot see the future before it arrives. What we can do is live out our lives as best we can with purpose, and love, and joy. We can use each day to show those who are closest to us how much we care about them, and treat others with the kindness and respect that we wish for ourselves. We can learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures. And we must strive, no matter what the cost, to make our world a better place, to insure that our fleeting presence has a positive impact on the lives of others. In a world of cruelty and hardship, we are not mere prisoners of fate. Our actions do matter and can bend history in the direction of good.

I have also learned to let go of fear. Fear destroys. It robs us of becoming deeper and better people. What you are afraid of is never as bad as you imagined. As human beings, there are parts of our lives where we don't excel, where we are beset by weakness, failure, and shame. We are human and we live in the sphere of human frailty. This frailty should not limit us, nor should it bind us. We should always reach for the stars. We must press our limits and stretch for the world that ought to be. Yes we are fallible ... but love is not. It is perfect. And love must be the North Star of our journey. It must guide us through the darkness and lift our spirits above our problems, our setbacks, our differences, our weakness. Love must conquer fear in all of our lives. And this is how I choose to live in the present.

This experience can be a waste for me or it can push me to new heights. I have chosen the path of the latter. Out of crisis comes real change to those who are willing to learn from the devastation. This has become my mantra, my calling card. I live in a finite world bound by limitations and obstacles. But I serve an infinite God who creates life out of death, hope out of hopelessness, healing out of pain. A life spent probing the infinite, pressing for it, seeking it in all circumstance and situations leads to permutations that are both rewarding and fulfilling. Ultimately it leads to a life filled with the highest reward and highest fulfillment.

No one can overstate the seriousness of my situation and the fallout in terms of the lives it has affected, especially my daughters. When you go through something like this, your life becomes a sequence of transformative moments, not only in terms of dealing with the main issue, but also in terms of emotion, dreams, goals, the present, the future, dealing with hurt and shame, and coming to terms with the ideological reality of your hopes and dreams. I have learned to keep my sense of equanimity and my compass pointed in the right direction no matter what emotions, doubts, worries I feel or face at any given moment. I will not allow this experience to define me. I am determined to define the experience.

I find great strength in the lives of those who have walked this path before me. History is filled with stories of men and women who have found themselves in prison for various reasons. Many came out better people and accomplished great things in the years during and after confinement. Names like Milken, Stewart, Minkow, Dostyevsky, Mandela, Ghandi and Solzhynitsen inspire me. Jim Bakker's story has moved me greatly. After receiving a 45-year sentence, he did not succumb to depression, doubt, and hopelessness. His wife left him and abandoned him within months of incarceration. Instead of surrendering to the excruciating pain and seemingly hopeless future, he found some strength to fight through the darkness and devastation. He clung to hope and would not let go of the thread holding him over the bottomless pit of endless despair. He ended up serving 4.5 years on a 45 year sentence after the appeal process. He went on to rebuild his life and wrote a remarkable autobiography entitled 'I Was Wrong.'

I understand completely what Bakker went through. You hang there staring death in the face. Death of your dreams, your hopes, your future, your marriage, your family unit, your life. And somewhere between the thread your hanging on and the abyss of death below, you have to reach through the excruciating pain and hurt, through the failure, through the shame and find some hope, some courage, some strength to go on and make the best of the situation and believe God is in control.

This morning I took a moment to reflect on the last few years. I stood in my room and stared at my face in the mirror ... a face totally different from the one when this unbelievable journey began. A face that was also different from the one I saw a year ago in the mirror. As I stood there I realized I am not the same man who started this odyssey and I'm not even the same man that I was four months ago. I am a completely transformed man with different values, with a greater appreciation for life, for love, for hope, for people, for my faith. I realized again, we can never know what is just up ahead that might change everything ... everything about our lives.

In closing, I want to publicly acknowledge some people who have helped me to survive this nightmare. Without them, I do not believe I could have made it through this storm. First and foremost my parents. My Dad and Mom are the most incredible people. The depths of love, concern, care they have shown and displayed to me are beyond description. There are no words to describe these two wonderful and amazing people. They have stood in my corner, faced shame, embarrassment, and hurt. Never once did they give up. They never threw in the towel. When I could not find strength to go on, they were there to encourage, to lift me up, to help me look past the darkness that enveloped me. They have sacrificed beyond reason. They have been and continue to be phenomenal Grandparents to my daughters. They have looked hate in the face and countered with love.

I also want to thank Robin. She is the most wonderful woman in the world. The grace and love she has shown me is beyond comprehension. She is a woman of great character, tremendous elegance, incredible beauty, and unbelievable depth. She has given me strength and purpose, joy and friendship, has stood with me in my most difficult days. She has taught me what love truly is ... most men go an entire lifetime without ever experiencing the love of an amazing woman. I am not one of those.

During Mandela's 27 years in prison he said something profound, 'No matter where you are in life, there is more journey ahead. And that journey must be filled with love, care, and forgiveness for one another ... this is what brings our lives fulfillment and makes them complete.' Mandela came out of prison with a respect for himself and his values and no hatred for the people who spent a commensurate part of their lives trying to destroy him. There is difficulty in all human journeys. Yet there is clarity and nobility in just being a journeyer. Every journey is important and no journey is impossible.

As long as a man has hope, he can see the finish line and survive.

Steve