This part of my life … this part of my life is called sadness. Today is an extremely difficult day. Everything I want to be, I desire to be ... everything that was and is most important to me - my daughters, their lives, their future - all of this is removed from me in the present. To be a good father, a great father, to be there for my girls in each and every situation ... to encourage them and build them up, to laugh and pray with them, to show them the world and let them know they can dream any dream, they can reach for the sky ... there are no limits ... all of this is gone, gone in the present.
On this day, Father's Day, I can't hug my girls. I can't touch them. I can't feel their soft skin. I can't brush the hair from their eyes. I am not there to hold their hands to let them know everything is going to be all right. I can't hold them tight in what should be the safest place in the universe ... a daddy's arms. I am limited. I am limited in so many ways. Mostly I am limited to fulfill my fundamental duty as a father, to show my daughters by example the kind of people they should be.
Today I feel the weight of my sins, my mistakes, my choices. I look back with great sorrow and regret. In an attempt to give my daughters a great and wonderful life with no worries, I have given them the opposite. Shelby is still too young to understand. But she is approaching the age where the questions will come. She will see other dads on the first day of kindergarten. She will meet the dads of her friends. Their dads will be there to drop them off and pick them up. They will be there to cheer her friends on in soccer and ballet. Her's won't. Inevitably, the questions will come ... why can't Daddy be here? No child should have to hear the words she will hear.
My oldest daughter Shayne is well aware of my situation. I can't imagine the sadness and pain and hurt, the wounds she carries deep inside. Wounds that create scars. Wounds that seldom heal. Her feelings must be polarized when she is around her friends who are proud of their dads … at school events catered toward fathers, at banquets and award dinners where she is being honored, at sporting events where someone else has replaced me on the sidelines as her coach and biggest fan, at functions where she looks in the audience and sees an empty seat ... my seat.
On this Father's Day, I take the painful journey back to the two happiest days of my life, the day's of Shayne and Shelby's birth. No words can accurately describe the joy, the excitement, the happiness I felt when I witnessed the birth of my two daughters. The miracle of life ... the tiny hands and feet ... the little nose ... the precious eyes and mouth. I still vividly remember the first time I saw both little angels as they entered this world, leaving the warm, secure environment of their mother's womb. I realized at that moment, that precise moment, that a great portion of their future rested in my hands. I understood the most important thing in my life would not count for much unless they had every opportunity in theirs. I committed my life in the stillness of that moment to help create those opportunities.
I look back today and replay so much in my mind. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. I consider my current plight and think how things could have been so different. When I look back at my work, questions plague me. "Why did I sell that stock? Why did I buy those options? Why did I sell so early? Why did I sell so late?" I think about how close I was to being on the other end of this equation. Instead of being locked away, I was so close to freedom. Financial freedom ... for my investors, for my children, for my family. Freedom for them to dream and believe in anything. Freedom to experience a world of opportunity I desired to create. I think of the risks I took. I always believed that great risks produced great rewards. I now experience and understand the dark side of the same coin ... great risks suffer great consequences. I wonder, "Why didn't I walk away when the fund was up? Why didn't I let people know when the fund was down?" Fear. Fear to fail. Fear to lose. Fear to hurt others. Fear to let people down. It is not in my nature to give up. My nature is to succeed, to solve the problem, to fix the situation. I thought I could. I thought I would. I was wrong. I made the wrong choice when faced with the most difficult decision a man faces – the decision that requires one to choose between integrity and the necessity to fulfill promises made.
I wonder today, will my girls see beyond the shame, the pain, the stigma of a father in prison? Will they see any of the good I have done with my life? Will they see how hard I worked and see my intent, my desire, my hope in all of this? Or will they only see my wrongs, my failures, my imperfections?
Today I think about what might have been. Beautiful girls by my side. Running through a field. Swinging on a playground. Kicking a soccer ball. Going on a bike ride. Watching a movie. Eating popcorn. Licking icecream. A family dinner. Children laughing. One giggling. Building memories. Sharing secrets. Telling Jokes. More laughter. More giggles. More secrets. More jokes. More memories. Bedtime showers. Bedtime baths. Bedtime prayers. Open hearts. Closed eyes. Folded hands. Daddy's Bible. Daddy's words. Daddy's kiss. God visiting. Wonder. Security. Comfort. Hope.
In life, every father has twin obligations. Obligations to his family, his wife, his children; and obligations to his work, his calling, his purpose. May the former not be filled with regrets due to the cost of the latter. This is the mistake I have made and it has cost me everything. I implore you to not make the same mistakes as a father, as a man. On this Father's Day, I encourage you to cherish the wife you have. Treasure the children you hold. Value the family you have been given. Focus on the good in your life, not the bad. Lay to rest what is wrong, build on what is right. Do something nice for the most important people in your life, on this day, your day, Father's Day. I know it’s your time to be pampered and appreciated. Push that to the background. Instead of Father's Day being about you, make it about what you do, what a father does. Instead of being pampered ... pamper. Instead of looking for appreciation ... appreciate. Instead of being loved ... love. Take it from someone like me; you never know when the moment you have now may never be again. Can I remind you? There is nothing like the feeling of a little hand squeezing a big hand. There are no words like "Daddy come see." There is no sensation like a child's hug.
So today, speak some kind words. Shower your children with compliments. Gather your family around you and create a memory they will never forget. Look them in the eyes, each one, and tell them how much they mean to you. Remind them of how much you love them. In front of your children, tell and show your wife how much you adore her. Let them see how much you value, treasure, and cherish their mom. Do one more thing. Pray with your children. Pray with your wife. Pray with your family.
One last piece of advice ... words I wish I had heard when I was overwhelmed with my situation, when I was still a free man. Always take the high road, not the easy road. At all times, do the right thing, regardless of what the outcome will be. And if you have failed, fallen short as a father, don't wallow in your failure. Acknowledge it, get back up, ask God for help, and change the future. One final thought. As a favorite song of mine says ... words to live by ...
“Be a best friend,
Always tell the truth,
Overuse the words ‘I Love You’
Never let your praying knees get lazy,
And always ... Love like crazy!”
Happy Father's Day
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