Love in the Rubble

Tragedy has a way of visiting those who can bear it least.  Catastrophe has a propensity to strike without warning.  Unimagined carnage can fall upon anyone at any time in any place at any moment.  And so it was in Port-au-Prince.  There was no ominous thundercloud, no wailing siren, no public announcement, no forewarning.  There was nothing.  One minute the ground was still and the next the ground was rolling and cracking and something terrible had begun.  One second people were living their lives and in the next they were running for their lives.  In the flash of an eye everything changed.  Everything.

For thirty-eight seconds the largest city in the poorest nation of the western hemisphere was in the grip of a violent monster rumbling below the surface of the earth, generating a crushing cascade of death and destruction and devastation.  Every man, every woman, every child was caught in the monster’s grasp as it terrorized Haiti and shook its capital ferociously.  Twenty-one year old Evans Brice was sitting at his workstation when suddenly his desk started jumping violently and the walls were swaying and the roof was falling and the floor opened, swallowing people and furniture and its own contents and there was dust and smoke and fire and screams and everything was shaking and splitting and crashing and breaking and plummeting.  Evans tumbled with debris through the open floor, enveloped in a cloud of disintegrating powder and toxic dust bursting with loose objects of twisted metal, shattered bricks, and splintered wood.  Falling, he could only think of his fiancée Fiona Jean – his first love – the girl who had captured his heart when he was sixteen, the girl who still captured his heart five years later as he stared death in the face.

The universal longing and yearning for love is found everywhere throughout our world.  Feelings of love are felt as strongly in the third world as they are in the first world.  People are people and hearts are hearts.  Every heart in every person in every nation aches for love and desires to give love and thirsts to be loved.  Love is the one force that connects hearts and it’s the only force that completes hearts.  No force, no emotion, no possession can silence the ache of the heart, fulfill the longing of the heart, quench the thirst of the heart except for love.  Love is an ineffable wonder coveted in every corridor and chamber of the human heart, creating a vacuum of want and need and craving – a void that can only be filled through the amazing happening of experiencing love.

Every person, everywhere, longs to take a breathtaking journey with someone and encounter the agony and ecstasy of pioneers who discover the miraculous happening of love, creating a path of two lives becoming one, of two hearts uniting.  This is what makes love so captivating and entrancing, a force so powerful and exhilarating, a force every human heart desires.  Love is the only force in the universe that can change hearts, change lives, change existence; it’s the only force that can survive the unimaginable and the impossible and the inconceivable and the unthinkable.  Love cannot be silenced, eradicated, destroyed, exterminated.  No tragedy or wound, no calamity or disaster can eliminate or do away with love, for love is a force that never dies.  Love is eternal.

And so it was for Evans as he lay trapped in rubble, buried in debris, entombed in the worst disaster in Haiti’s history.  He was miraculously wedged in a cavity the size of his body, surrounded by voices of despair and anguish.  Slipping in and out of consciousness, he could think only of love.  Of love and love alone.

The love he felt.

The love he experienced.

He could think only of love.

The love of his life.

The love that completed him.

He could think only of love.

Just love.

Love alone.

Love.

Fiona.

Love was alive in the rubble.

A day after the most devastating earthquake in recorded history struck the West Indies, Evans is freed from the rubble.  For a moment there is light and a little hope as faith unfurls in his heart.  Then panic returns.  Fiona.  Minutes after being rescued, he hits the seemingly stable ground and runs toward the textile factory where Fiona works in the blue collar neighborhood of Carrefour, in Port-au-Prince.

His lungs burn.

His head pounds.

His heart hurts.

He runs and runs and runs.

He has to find her.

Just has to find her.

He does not care how or where.

He runs and runs.

He just wants to find her.

Just wants to find her.

Wants to find her.

Just her.

Her.

Fiona.

Everywhere he looks streets are covered with collapsed buildings as multi-story structures have turned into something resembling short stacks of pancakes.  Screams are coming from buckled edifices, people begging and pleading to be saved.  Some are crying for God.  Some are crying for others.  Some are just crying.  Crying parents are looking for children.  Crying children are looking for parents.  Everywhere, on every street, in every building, in every pile of rubble someone is crying and someone is looking for someone.  As Evans rambles through the streets, devastation looms in the shadows and sunshine alike as a ubiquitous tormentor of Haiti’s men, women, and children.  Images of mass destruction are seen in every direction: dangling power lines, riots of electric wires, shards of broken glass, ruptured pipes, fractured streets, and mountains and mountains of rubble.  Nearly 290,000 buildings are destroyed or damaged.  Over 220,000 are dead and 300,000 more are injured.  It’s like running through an apocalypse as scenes of devastation are encountered every second: detached limbs lying in streets, one man is seen shrieking in pain; he lost both legs, another is screaming in agony; he discovered his wife crushed in rubble.  Everywhere there are bodies and people are stumbling and staggering in a shock-induced stupor, some covered in dirt and dust and dried blood, some in ripped and torn clothing, some barefoot, some naked.  The city’s life is beaten back in clusters of cowering refugees, like the results of some inexplicable experiment gone badly wrong.  Evans is a mile away when he passes an area strewn with backpacks, textbooks and loose papers fluttering in the breeze.  It was once a school.  He ignores the smell in the air, the cries in the streets, the horrors all around.  He keeps running and running.

Each second is an hour long.

Each step a long distance race.

He runs and runs and runs.

He must get there.

He must.

There.

Fiona.

The mist starts to form.  A distant fog rises from someplace he does not know and begins to envelop his heart.  He grows fearful as it approaches.  Like a rolling cloud it blankets everything.  His throat begins to close and his eyes well up with tears.  Hope fades into desolation, into loneliness and despair, into pain so deep, so so deep.  His head turns side to side in a universal gesture of negation as he stands silently among the ruins.  Dense tears slip down his cheeks as he stares in disbelief at the mangled corpse of a beautiful woman half crushed beneath the concrete.  It’s the love of his life.  It’s Fiona.  Grief manifests itself as he sinks to his knees and desperately rubs his wallet filled with her pictures against his heart.  A profound sense of loss inhabits and overwhelms him as sorrow and pain and deep heartache pour out in heavy sobs and a shortness of breath and stammering broken words, “I cannot leave.  I cannot leave.  We’ve been together since we were sixteen.  I cannot leave.  I love her.  I love her so much.”  His trembling hand reaches out and touches her hair, powdered white with concrete dust.  Slowly he moves closer and gently cradles her head in his arms.  He tenderly brushes the white dust from her hair.  His tears fall softly on her face as he whispers in her ear, “I will not leave you like this.  I will not leave you, Fiona.  I will not leave.”  He closes his eyes and prays she can hear his words.  Somehow, somewhere, he wants her to hear his words.  He wants her to know she is safe in his arms, that she is safe, she is safe safe safe.

Safe in his arms.

In his arms.

Safe.

For he will not leave.

He will not leave.

Will not leave.

Love does not leave.

Does not leave.

Love stands in the rubble.

In the rubble.

Love stands.

Sometimes you see the most beautiful expression of love in the most painful picture of human loss and suffering.  And it’s in this moment you really understand love.  Love cannot be explained.  No words can ever convey the magnificence and splendor and depth of love.  Love can only be seen with the eye and felt in the heart.

In a traumatized world where everything had been turned upside down and the ground itself had given way, love offered certitude as Evans stayed with Fiona until her body could be safely removed.  Love could be seen and felt as he held her for three days.  He waited so he could give her a proper burial, a peaceful place where she could be laid to rest.  People may die.  But love does not.  Love stands in the rubble and cares for the wellbeing of another.  Love does not run, or cower, or abandon.  Love waits for the best interests of another to be fulfilled and realized.  Evans would not leave because the love for Fiona was greater than the pain of her death.  Love endures all things.  He stayed with her until she could be freed from the debris.  His girl, his love, would be buried in dignity.  Not in a large grave with others.  Not scooped up.  Not abandoned and buried in rubble.  No, this was his other half, his heart’s companion.  This was the love of his life, the girl who captured his heart at sixteen, the girl who still captured his heart in death.  And love – true and authentic love – does not leave.

We don’t know how much we are capable of loving until the people we love are being taken away, until something beautiful has ended.  Love means you care for another person’s interests and their happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.  No matter where you are today, love can work in your rubble if you really take a moment to see life for what it is and understand what truly completes you.  May you hold those in your life close to your body and feel them breathe and take in their remarkable scent and give them your love – give them your love while you still have them.  Life is short, very, very short.  If you take a moment, a humble and sincere moment, and look through the lens of love at your life and your world, you will see the depth of love and feel the wonder of love; you will understand why love never leaves and always remains; you will discover how love endures all things and stands in the rubble.

A Day in My Life – Dark Secrets

I learned one of my coworkers has lied to me about who he is and what he is and why he is here.  I learned his story of fraud and millions and living high and far was a cover for something dark and gross and horrible and evil horrible horrible evil.  I learned he is filthy and sick and disgusting and a dirty horrible lying animal.  I am a father and if anyone did to my daughters what this pervert did to other children I would be lost in a fury and a cyclone and a rage and want to punish the sick twisted distorted perverted atrocious individual who could subject beautiful and precious children to such horrors and terrors, scarring their lives forever and ever and ever.  As a father, God gave me precious angels to watch over and protect, to guard to defend to shield to shelter.  The thought of anyone hurting and injuring and destroying and despoiling the innocence and purity and wonder and dreams and hopes and sensations of childhood, of the oung days of my girls’ lives fills me with an anger like fire like a burning rage that consumes everything I know and understand and believe and want to believe and hope to believe and have ever believed.  Thoughts of tears trickling from young round beautiful blue and brown brilliant eyes filled with life and joy and wonder suddenly filled with fear and terror because of a sick distorted warped cruel perversion sends me to a place I have never been before.

Never been.

Never.

I look down at my hands and they are shaking.

Shaking and trembling and shaking.

Shaking and shaking with rage and fury and anger and wrath.

I brace myself against the white porcelain shaking and trembling.  My mind twirls and gyrates and contorts and I am sick and revolted and repulsed and nauseated.  An emotional cyclone of dark thoughts of wanting to protect, to defend, an inferno of reckoning retribution to protect the little ones who can’t protect themselves circles and circles and circles coiling in my mind tightly coiling curling down an endless dark spiral of blackness that spins and spins and spins twisting and torquing to the darkest abyss and the gates are open and I see it.  I see it for the first time for the very first time.  I see why there is Hell and why God allows people to go there and why there is endless suffering and fire and pain and heat and torment where one always remembers because it is endless and bottomless and deathless, a place where one wants to die but they can’t die because they died once and they can never die again.  They scream and plead and shriek and beg because they see the fear and the terror they inflicted.  They see it over and over and over in the round brilliant brown and blue and green and hazel.

The innocence they filled with shame.

The hopes they filled with fear.

They see it.

They see it.

He said it and He thought it.  He must have seen what I saw in my mind when I saw the beautiful innocent young blue brown brilliant eyes.  He said it and I finally understand the full depths of the meaning of His words.  Truly understand.

He was angry before.  Very angry.  Angry over much lesser things.

After the Incarnation He was angry.

In the temple, His house, He took a whip and turned over tables.

He said it after He came to earth.  He said it as a man, fully flesh, full of blood and bones and tissue wrapped in skin breathing the same air we breathe walking on the same planet we walk.  He said it in an era of grace and mercy and forgiveness, just one simple prayer and all of it will be forgiven forgotten gone.

Yes it is true.  It’s very true.  It extends to all.

Forgiveness.

Mercy.

Grace.

Yes it extends to all.  All can be forgiven forgotten gone.

But He still said it.

Better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck than to offend one of these little ones.

To offend and hurt one of these little ones.

To offend and hurt and injure innocence and purity.

Have mercy on us all Lord.  And protect the little ones, the ones who can’t protect themselves.  Protect them today in this horrible and cruel and dark and evil world we call our home.  Protect them Lord, please protect them.  Please please please.  And help me, really help me in this dark place where I live to fully understand and see how far and deep and wide your grace and mercy extends and reaches.  Today I can’t seem to see too far or understand too much.

Why We Need Risk

When I was a kid I would stare at a world map.  I looked at every square inch of it.  I would stare for hours, wondering what the world was like, picturing other cultures and people, visualizing the diverse scenery of distant shores and faraway lands.  I would draw imaginary lines from nation to nation, from city to city, envisioning treks and haunts and journeys throughout the globe.  As early as I can remember, I had this insatiable craving to travel the world, to engage the mystery and energy and diversity of our planet.  I wanted to live a life full and rewarding, filled with adventure and discovery, with wonder and awe, with the type of magic and thrills that you wish for after reading a dynamic novel or watching some magnificent movie.  These childhood longings and desires became a reality in my life.  My geographic ramblings have been filled with unimaginable experiences and escapades that could fill hundreds of pages of a personal memoir.  I truly have stumbled upon the awe and wonder of living.  I have seen my dreams become reality and have lived a life that has been rewarding and fulfilling and thrilling.  I have experienced life in this dimension because of one word and one word alone – risk.

One of my favorite writings is Leo Tolstoy’s distinguished story The Death of Ivan Illych.  Tolstoy describes Ivan Illych as a man who is motivated almost exclusively by the expectations of others, and is unable to live out his own dreams.  The opening line of chapter two in this fascinating piece of literature reads like this: “The story of Ivan Illych’s life was of the simplest, most ordinary and therefore most terrible.”  The brilliant Russian writer defines living an ordinary life as terrible.  I could not agree more with Tolstoy’s assessment about the life of the protagonist in this remarkable book.  Life is a gift and can be lived only once.  The miracle of life, your life, will occupy space and time for only one stage of the human story, a period for which you were created to live your life and to live it with vigor and passion and purpose.  There is nothing ordinary about life, about the creation of life.  It’s the most amazing, elaborate and phenomenal miracle, divinely ordered, an extraordinary event where you were created and birthed with all your beauty and uniqueness, with all your special gifts and talents.  There is nothing ordinary about you, and there is no one like you, and there never will be anyone like you again.  You were created to live, not to exist; to experience the dreams and longings God has birthed in your heart.  You are never too young or too old to pursue your desires and hopes, for in every moment of every day, life exists.  It surrounds you and awaits you to discover its magic and wonder.  Time and again, the only notion that separates you from realizing the yearnings in your heart is risk.

We will understand the miracle of life fully only when we truly allow the unexpected to happen.  Every day we are given moments in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy.  We try to deny or ignore and consciously overlook these moments, pretending they do not exist by convincing ourselves today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow.  But these moments do exist, moments when the source of life, the One who created everything living around us – the wind against our faces, the sun that warms our days, the stars that illuminate our nights – reminds us He is ever present in our world.  He is right by our sides, whispering softly in the corridors of our hearts, imploring us to live in a realm that is miraculous, desiring to connect the longings of our hearts with the hopes and plans He has for us.  If we pay attention to our everyday lives, we will discover and recognize these moments.  They help us change, giving us courage to believe, placing our insular lives on the threshold of breaking out of a cocoon of safety in which we are afraid of what's new or unknown.  As humans we seek comfort and order, and when we have comfort and order we tend to plant ourselves, even if our comfort isn't so comfortable.  Often, we secretly want for something better but can’t seem to leave the comfort zone in which we dwell.  If we risk and crawl out of the protective shell enveloping us, we will encounter life in a whole new dimension, life that is amazingly alive.

Risk launches our lives into a world of faith.  Without risk, dreams and hopes lie dormant in a self-dug grave of fear and loathing and regret.  Risk births life to our dreams.  It turns imaginings and hopes into happenings, wishes and desires into experiences, creating moments where life is truly lived.  Risk enables us to reach outside ourselves to engage a bigger world, a bigger presence, a bigger life – the abundant life God promised us all.  When taking risks, we experience what it means to be fully alive, to live in a realm God created for us.  Yes, we do open ourselves up to the chance of loss, failure, and hurt when we pursue our unfulfilled longings and ambitions.  There will be suffering and difficult times.  We will experience many disappointments – but all of this is transitory; it leaves no enduring mark.  If anything, life’s setbacks shape us and mold us into a better and stronger person if we allow them to work in our lives.

I’ve learned a lot about myself by being separated for this period.  I’ve learned we as humans must explore.  We must see and discover new occurrences or we degenerate.  Even in the darkest, most depressing environment when we are surrounded by mountains in every direction, we must not give up.  The steep peaks can be conquered if we take the risk and start climbing.  We can scale jagged overhangs of horrendous failure and cross deep crevices of painful heartbreak.  Our past is not our future, and it does not diminish the miracle of life that lies in front of us.  I am determined to display this message in my journey, hoping to inspire others to overcome their fears and failures and to take the risks necessary to reach the summit of their dreams.

The areas of the world I have always been most drawn to are areas of immense suffering, the war-torn regions of the globe.  For me there is nothing sadder than a child suffering and dying because of apathy and indifference.  There is value in documenting this and giving a voice to it, and trying to find a way I can help better the lives of the suffering.  Looking back at many ventures in such lands, I realize how the element of risk enabled me to witness the beauty of life in situations that were not so beautiful.  I remember when I arrived in Somalia a few months prior to the “Blackhawk Down” episode.  On my first trip, I flew with the Belgian Air Force on a cargo plane.  I had no place to stay, no security, and a supposed contact’s name scribbled on a piece of paper.  The country had turned into a bloodbath, a place of absolute anarchy and chaos.  Upon landing, I was approached by a truckload of gunmen, and I ended up hiring them as security.  We went around to makeshift burial grounds where many bodies were being dumped.  It was horrifying to witness the callous disregard for human life.  The sight of hundreds of dead children and babies is an image that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  As we traveled from one place to the next, there were miles and miles of empty pits.  I remember thinking they could just shoot me and put me in a pit and no one would ever know, and how insane it was to be there, and I was overwhelmed with the mayhem, and I was wondering why I would take such a risk to be in such a place.

My answer came a few days later when I met a lady and her daughters who were rescuing women and children on the brink of death and transporting them to their home to care for them and give them their last chance at life.  This woman had very little in terms of material goods.  She could barely provide for her own daughters, and here she was risking her family to save complete strangers.  When I looked into the eyes of those who were spared death, I saw hope and peace.  I saw how smiles had replaced sadness, how joy had replaced sorrow, how laughter had replaced tears, because one woman was willing to risk everything to help others.  Her life reminded me there are some absolutes in life.  You don’t run from need.  You don’t cower from bullets.  You don’t tolerate injustice.  This woman’s life embodied all these absolutes, and she lived those out by overcoming fear and living a life of risk.  As I stood in her home and listened to her story while looking at women and children who had been given a second chance, I realized why risk is so important in all of our lives.  In the midst of experiencing the most overpowering emotions, feelings I can’t even begin to describe, I saw how risk allows real people to create real moments, producing insanely beautiful experiences, granting us unbelievable feelings of fulfillment as it moves our lives into the shaping of human drama.  It places God in a position where He can act, giving our lives vistas so otherworldly you just know you have lived something divine and you can’t go back to being normal; you can’t go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of a life absent of risk.

Somalia and many places like it have taught me how important risk is in our lives, and the life it creates, not only for ourselves but for others.  For me, it is sad to think of a person who is afraid of taking risks.  Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned.  Perhaps he won’t suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow.  But when that person looks back – and at some point everyone looks back – he will hear his heart saying, “What did you do with the miracle of life?  What did you do with all of your blessings and gifts and talents?  What did you do with your story and your legacy?”  Never do I want to look back and regret I did not pursue my passions or dreams or hopes because I allowed fear to stop me, because I was afraid to risk.  One thing I want to pass on to my daughters is the joy of living, the thrill of living, and how this can be achieved through living a life that engages risk.  In every instance, I want my girls to experience and understand the magic and wonder of a life lived in this realm.  I hope for this because risk has taught me a remarkable truth – something that was perfectly expressed in a recent song – Life is not about the breath you take, it’s about the amazing moments that take your breath away.

A Love Story

There is no story like a love story.  No matter where you are in life, your heart never stops longing for love for being loved for wanting love for experiencing love.  Love is the universal language and it has no language barrier and it transcends all borders and cultures and races and prejudices.  It overcomes all obstacles and failures and imperfections and blemishes.  Love causes you to do things you never thought you could do or would do or would want to do, it allows you to feel things you thought you could never feel that you wanted to feel and to feel things you didn't want to feel that you never imagined you could feel.  A love story is touching and moving and gripping and intoxicating filled with experiences and moments and instances that give your soul the most peaceful tranquility and the most chaotic turbulence reminding you that you are alive, so amazingly alive.

A true love story is a grand elaborate epic full of cause and effect and want and need and passion and desire which leads you through a maze of soaring climaxes where all your emotions, all your thoughts, all your being merge at some indescribable place where bolts of electricity flow through you, shocking and jolting your heart and your mind into experiencing something amazing, something beyond normal, something beyond description that is not really understood but is understood because the heart understands what the mind can never understand.

In any love story its difficult to separate what happened from what seemed to happen.  What seems to happen becomes its own happening and has to be told that way.  The angles of vision and understanding are skewed in a love story and any love story makes you feel new and alive.  When you tell a love story there is always a surreal seemingness which makes the story seem untrue, but which in fact represents the exact truth as it seemed.  In many cases a love story cannot be believed because it resonates with the heart and the heart feels things the brain never feels.  Often the crazy stuff is true and the normal stuff isn't, but the normal stuff is necessary to make you believe the truly incredible craziness.  Sometimes you can't even tell a true love story.  Sometimes it's just beyond telling.

When you share a love story people go quiet.  They just look at you for a while, sort of funny like, sort of amazed, sort of shocked, sort of mesmerized and they shake their heads in funny ways and nod in strange ways and they use words like unhealthy and crazy and not good for you and destructive or words like wow and romantic and I am so happy for you and wonderful and as they are agreeing or disagreeing they are wishing and wanting a love story or they want their love story to become a love story again.  And then they just stare and suddenly your whole love story is right there in that stare.  It says everything you can't ever say but you can't extract the meaning you see in the stare without unraveling the deeper meaning and retelling the whole story again.  And in the end, really, there is nothing you can say about a true love story except "unbelievable."

And when you live a love story you seem to be on another planet in another galaxy in another era and your life seems stretched and pulled and heightened and elevated and everything just feels more alive as though you're at the zenith of passion and awareness, a pinnacle where all emotions are intensified and seem to circle around you in some cosmic existence absent of gravity drawing you further away from everything you have known or felt in the life you lived before you started living in a love story and suddenly the air you breathe feels more alive and the colors you see are more colorful.

I was in love once and it was like being lost in some magical place that was the happiest place on earth.  When I was in love I thought about that beautiful girl so much because everything about her was just so perfect and gorgeous and stunning and dazzling and I hardly ever thought about myself because when I would start to think about myself I could only think about being with her and suddenly I was lost in this beautiful world of her and thinking only about her.  And it was the best place I have ever been, the best place ever, the most beautiful place in the world because the first time I saw her my heart skipped and I became wobbly and dizzy and the world started pinballing around me and there were butterflies and they carried my breath away and my heart fell.  The second time I saw her my heart skipped and raced and skipped.  The third time fourth time my heart skipped raced skipped skipped.  The fifth time sixth time and every time since, my heart has skipped raced skipped and my heart has fallen and fallen.  And when I would see her I would stare.  She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen the most beautiful girl in the whole world.  Her hair and her eyes and her lips and her beautiful smile were just so beautiful and amazing and when I would see her and her beautiful eyes and radiant smile the whole world would stop.  It would just stop.  And I was lost and all that existed for me was her and my eyes staring at her the most beautiful girl in the world.  There was nothing else.  No sounds, no people, no worries, no pressures, no past, no future. The world just stopped and it was this beautiful place because there was only her.  Just her and my eyes staring at her.

When she was gone, the world started again and I didn't like it as much.  I lived in it but I didn't like it.  I just walked around in it and survived and existed and and waited to see that beautiful girl so the world could stop again because when it stopped it was the best thing I have ever known or ever felt or ever experienced and I loved it when it stopped because it was the best feeling and that beautiful girl was there and she made my world such a beautiful place with her amazing eyes and her gorgeous smile and everything about her was just amazing and dazzling and she brightened my world.  Everything became brighter and better and I would forget my problems and I wanted to own her problems and her fears and her worries and take them all away from her because she was too beautiful to be burdened by problems and I was in love and that is what love does when you are in love and that is what happens when love works in a love story.

She walked into my stare and into my life and that beautiful girl birthed my love story which became the most amazing and wonderful love story and had she not walked into my stare my world would have been dull and empty and lonely and sad.  And if I had quit staring and lost my stare my world would have started spinning and moving spinning and moving moving spinning and she would have been gone when I stopped to stare and she would have never entered my stare and I would have searched to the ends of the earth, all the way to the end.  I would have searched until I found her so I could stare at that beautiful girl so my world could stop and be beautiful again, so beautiful.

Sometimes people quit living and quit searching and quit staring when they are living their love story.  The world was once so beautiful and alive when they were staring and the littlest things were so wonderfully alive like the way she walked when she was happy and the way her feet dragged when she was tired and the way her cheeks would drop and how her eyes would melt your heart when she was sad and you would do anything to not make her sad because you did not want her heart to hurt.  The tiniest things would be seen in the stare like how adorable she looked when she laughed and how gorgeously she crawled into bed and the way she brushed her hair and just how beautiful the little freckles were on her body and you just knew why God placed them in those exact spots because they would not be so beautiful anywhere else.  They were living their love story and breathing it and feeling it and experiencing it and then one day they just quit staring and their world started spinning and spinning and the world was not so beautiful anymore because it was moving and spinning and their love story lost its beauty because they quit staring, they just quit staring, and it lost its beautiful magic and if they would stop for a moment and stare, just start staring again and stop spinning and moving and start staring the world would stop and their love story would be beautiful again, so beautiful again so so beautiful.

Locked Up With Michael Vick

 I watched in awe as Michael Vick stunned the football world with his record-setting performance against the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football.  Never in the long history of the National Football League has any player ever accomplished what he did on the field during Monday night's game.  His unprecedented performance was inspiring to anyone who watched the game, even more so if you understood what enabled him to rise from the ashes of failure and be given the opportunity to play professional football again.  

I am not speaking of the well documented story of Michael Vick's crime and prison term.  I am speaking of acts that took place during the dark period he spent in prison and the changes he experienced at the lowest point in his life. One of my close friends here in Texas was Michael's roommate when they both were incarcerated at Leavenworth.  He remains very close to him and communicates with him regularly.  Zachary described to me the spiritual transformation that happened in Michael's life during his two years of confinement.  It's an amazing story of God's mercy and grace and how the love of God can reach anyone, anywhere.  After Michael rededicated his life to Christ, God promised him he would return to the NFL and his career would be resurrected.  Very few believed this was possible and gave him no chance of ever returning to the National Football League.  And if such a miracle did take place, almost all believed he would never be the same athlete and superstar he was before he entered prison.

During Michael's first year in federal prison, he was depressed and had little desire to touch a football.  After his spiritual renewal, the desire to play football returned and he took hold of the promises God spoke to his heart.  He prepared his mind and body to be ready for the moment when he would be given the opportunity to act on everything he believed God spoke to him.  

During his second year in prison, Michael took Zachary to the field every morning and had him run various routes and patterns as he threw hundreds of passes.  Following the passing drills, they would spend hours engaged in strength and conditioning training utilizing the prison’s limited equipment.  Michael would not let rain, snow or heat interfere with their daily training sessions.  Zachary told me it was amazing how driven Michael was, how determined he was to rebound from his personal failure and witness God's promises become a reality in his life.  Before each session, they would kneel on the field and pray, giving God thanks and asking Him to restore everything that was lost--his career and his athletic ability.  Michael prayed specifically for his skills and gifts to not be diminished by the period of incarceration.

Upon release from federal prison, the Philadelphia Eagles were the only team interested in Michael.  They knew it was a considerable risk and probable longshot for him to make a comeback.  They took a chance on him because of one man, Head Coach Andy Reid.  Unbeknownst to most, both of Coach Reid's sons had been to prison.  Of all people, he understood the importance of giving someone a second chance.  He promised the owners and management he would work closely with Michael and surround him with the best people.  On his return to the NFL, Michael was the third-string quarterback behind Donovan McNabb and Kevin Kolb.  He rarely played and his future looked limited.  By the end of his first season back, Michael Vick was forgotten.  Most sports writers had already written his NFL Obituary.

During the off-season, shocking changes took place in the Philadelphia Eagles organization.  Star quarterback, Donovan McNabb was suddenly released and backup Kevin Kolb was named the starter.  Michael was moved from third-string to backup.  In the midst of changes that shocked the football world, I suspect God was silently involved in various events that involved Michael's life and future.  I know some who read this are thinking, "God is not directly involved in the actions of the National Football League.  I can only respond by saying you would be surprised by where God involves himself.  He is not limited to any arena in life.  The book of Proverbs says, "As we plan our course, He directs our steps."  This is one aspect of how God works in all of our lives.  If we could have a glimpse into the invisible realm of our lives and see His acts and actions, we would be stunned and mesmerized by how directly involved he is in our stories.

Michael started this season -- his second since his release from prison -- as the backup quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Once again, no one had any expectation for his season or career.  Then another occurrence happened in the early part of the season that changed everything for Michael; starting quarterback Kevin Kolb was knocked out of an early season game and Michael came off the bench to take over.  His performance startled everyone as he rallied the Eagles to victory.  The following week, he played even better leading Philadelphia to another win, securing the starting quarterback position.  Weeks later, Michael Vick is the top ranked quarterback in the NFL and is the current front-runner to win the league's Most Valuable Player award.

As I watched Michael Vick's performance on Monday night, chills ran up and down my spine and tears filled my eyes.  I understood what an amazing moment this was for him and for the sporting world, a true tale of redemption, of faith, of reconciliation.  But this aspect of the story is not what gave me chills and brought me tears.  There was another part of the story most spectators could not see or ever understand.  You see, most football fans have never sat in prison with all their hopes crushed.  Most have never been through such a disgraceful, humiliating, lonely, and dark experience where they have been separated from everyone they love.  Most have never knelt on a football field locked behind a fence buried in shame and failure, pleading for mercy and grace.  And most have never remained on bended knee on that lonely field--cut off from the rest of the world--believing in promises that seemed ludicrous, praying to an invisible God who spoke those promises.  

The chills and tears came for one reason:  As the world was applauding Michael Vick's performance on the field, I understood the pain he went through and the despair he survived to reach this awe-inspiring moment of personal triumph, of seeing promises fulfilled.  As Michael pointed to heaven after each touchdown, Zachary told me why he was pointing -- he was thanking God for bringing him through the pain and for fulfilling the promises He spoke to him in prison.  And as he pointed, I can't help but think that God was smiling in heaven pointing right back because Michael chose to believe when most had forgotten, when most had given up, when most would not believe. 

Camp Hope

 It was like the most gripping story of fiction coming to life, a mythic tale of death and resurrection that had viewers transfixed around the globe as thirty-three men emerged alive – one at a time – in a space-like capsule from their underground tomb a half mile below the surface of the earth. For sixty-nine days they were trapped in the belly of the planet in a hell-like chamber – claustrophobic, dark, squalid, sweltering – the size of most living rooms. When the world came crashing down around them, the miners thought they would be entombed forever, with little chance that rescuers would find them, let alone reach them in the dark cavity of their subterranean existence under the Atacama Desert in a remote region of Chile. Never, in all of humanity's recorded history, had so many been trapped so low for so long and emerged alive. It was a miracle of biblical proportions, a saga that truly displayed the astonishing power of home, birthed in the most inconspicuous of places, a desolate desert in the southern hemisphere, a barren wasteland that became known as Camp Hope.

Florencio Avalos was the first to surface to a tearful reunion with his youngest son. Minutes before he emerged in the specially designed rescue capsule, cameras focused on his son's face covered with we drops of anguish and fear slipping from his eyes. When Daddy stepped out, his son rushed into his arms, never wanting to let go again. The second miner up, Mario Sepulveda appeared an hour later and bounded out, ebulliently pumping his fists and running around chanting "C-H-I-L-E! Chi-Chi-Chi-Le-Le-Le-!" Then they began to arrive every forty-five minutes. Number seventeen was Omar Reygadas, a 56-year-old father of six, a grandfather of fourteen. The eighteenth was Esteban Rojas, whose life was so transformed by the near death experience he promised a church wedding to his wife whom he wed in a civil ceremony twenty-five years earlier. When Victor Zamora emerged as the twenty-seventh out and held his pregnant wife Jessica in his arms in an extended embrace after sixty-nine days of stark separation, the moment – despite the penetrating glare of the world – was theirs alone, one that will never be forgotten.

These unforgettable moments that displayed the best of humanity, were birthed by hope. Hope worked its magic in the most unimaginable place. Hope fueled this entire ordeal; a story of the world coming together, of miraculous survival, of happy endings and joyful reunions; a tale filled with drama and tension, engaging all emotions found in the human experience. You did not need to speak English or Spanish to understand what you were seeing in the rolling climax of happy reunions because the story did not end in death and pain, sadness and despair. No, it ended with luminous smiles, joyful tears, savored hugs, and grateful prayers. It ended with lost families reunited, lost lovers finding each other again, lost fathers holding their children one more time. In a world plagued by a good-news deficit, it was a story that displayed the supernatural power of hope and what it can do in conditions of overwhelming odds and distressing obstacles. It was the triumph of hope, of the best of the human spirit.

The three great pillars of life are faith, hope, and love. Much is written about faith, even more about love. But hope is the quiet brother, the forgotten son. It's the resilient warrior, the rushing wind that pushes back dark clouds of despair, enabling faith to take root, allowing love to work. Hope breathes life in suffocating conditions, freeing us from choking elements that crush our spirits, from experiences that bring death to our dreams, birthing emotions that revive our will, connecting our hearts to life outside of us, to life bigger than us, linking our impossibilities to God's possibilities. Hope is a hidden message revealing to us that God hides a smiling face behind a frowning providence, fueling our lives with the primary energy of the will to live, the will to survive, pushing us to do things that are unimaginable, enabling us to survive conditions that appear insurmountable. Hope is goodness in a tight spot, an ambitious force that creates new realities. And it was this goodness – hope – that powered the initial search for life in a very bleak situation, preparing the way for a new reality that would be created for thirty-three families, a reality that would be astounding and miraculous.

After the world lost contact with the miners, most presumed they were dead. But one person would not give up, Topographer Macarena Valdes. Her job was to set the direction of the drilling rigs that sent probes deep into the rock to try to locate any surviving miners. "It was a daunting task like using a shotgun to hit a mosquito at 700 meters," she said.  After two weeks of futile efforts, of empty probes and no signs of life, she augmented science with a touch of gut instinct to help guide probes through two thousand feet of rock, in hopes of finding survivors. As she looked into the eyes of children who longed for their fathers, wives who longed for their husbands, parents who longed for their sons, those longings empowered her resolve. Through sixteen days it seemed hopeless. After some thirty probes failed to find any sign of life, she stuck with a hunch. She shifted the angle of the drill about one degree lower than recommended by geologists. Her hunch worked on the seventeenth day –when most thought it was over – as the probe she directed bore a tiny five-inch hole into the underground cavern where the miners had taken refuge. There was a tap on the end of the drill; someone was alive a half mile below the surface of the earth. When the drill ascended, there was a note attached:  Thirty-three men were still breathing; they were barely hanging on; they were fighting for their lives. And it was at this moment that hope impelled and united the planet in an awe-inspiring rescue operation that captivated and riveted the world.

People arrived from all over the globe and pitched their tents in the high desert north of the capital city of Santiago, creating a makeshift village of foreigners and nationals, giving rise to the tent city known as Camp Hope. The rescue drill was brought in by a forty-truck convoy, built buy a small company in Pennsylvania. The drill operator came from Denver. Austria made the rescue capsule's winch and pulley system while Japan and Germany, along with other nations provided crucial technology. NASA provided design requirements for the capsule along with food packs for the miners. France shipped a half-ton of protein bars. Schoolchildren from multiple nations sent letters of support to the families. Volunteers from nearby towns came to cook and baby-sit for the families of the miners at the camp. And messages from all over the world were placed on a website for the miners and their loved ones. Hope united the entire planet, strengthening the miners, enabling them to survive another forty-three days as the main shaft was drilled that would eventually be used to rescue them and bring them from the suffocating depths of a dark tomb to a world of color and life.

The saga of the San Jose Mine is ultimately a story about the power of the human spirit when divine hope is birthed in fragile hearts. This is most obviously true of the trapped miners, and of the example they set for resilience, cohesion, and resourcefulness. But it is no less true of the people above ground who believed –when belief seemed improbable – that the miners had survived and that the ingenuity of the world could be enlisted to rescue them. Hope made this happen, powering humanity to believe for the impossible and to accomplish the unthinkable.

As I sat in suspense with the rest of the world, anxiously awaiting the rescue capsule carrying the first miner, this thought hit me: how many times in my life have I failed to establish hope in someone's world that has caved in? For that matter, how many times in all of our lives have we failed to set love into action by not rushing to the aid of those who are trapped in a difficult and overwhelming situation that appears insurmountable? Often we pay no attention to people buried in life's tragedies and failures, leaving them alone to dig their own way out of the rubble. Fortunately, the world did not allow this to happen in Chile.

In the harsh environment of the Atacama Desert, it was the outpouring of love, concern, and hope that helped those who could not help themselves, the trapped miners. When individual lives are falling apart, when marriages are collapsing, when people find themselves in ruins, we must create a presence in their lives, doing all we can to enable hope to work in their hearts. Often we pray from a distance. But God calls us to pitch our tents and roll up our sleeves. He wants us to engage the rubble, to help remove the debris so new foundations can be laid. In doing so, we birth hope in the hearts of the hurting. People can survive when they know there is a camp of support above their collapsed world. No one understands this more than myself. It was at the nadir of my journey, a depth I never imagined I could sink, when help arrived in the form of people who cared about me, establishing my Camp Hope.

In the early days of my present crisis, I found myself in the darkest, most suffocating cavern of despair, a place of impenetrable hopelessness. I was locked in a filthy cell twenty-three hours a day facing a daunting and frightening future. Weighted media reports were circulating and my family was being torn apart in the midst of what I perceived as a probable hope and a marriage commitment where my wife and I agreed we would stand together and survive. As I learned of acts of cruelty, lost contact with my youngest daughter for eighteen months because of another's deliberate choice to bring further alienation and pain, and carried the burden of my personal sins and failure, I was trapped in a depression I cannot even begin to describe. It was in this place of darkness where others came to my rescue, pitching their tents in my collapsed world, drilling for life in my shattered surroundings with probes of hope.

My first wife Robin came to visit. This is a woman who has been a part of my life since I was sixteen. She rose above the wounds of our past and the hurts that damaged our hearts. I remember staring at her through bullet-proof glass on her first visit. As I sat in orange, in a world of chaos and confusion, she reminded me of God's call on my life. She brought back memories of God using me. She spoke of the gifts and talents that God gave me. She wept with me and she prayed with me. And as I looked into her piercing blue eyes, I saw hope. Seeds of faith were birthed in my heart.  Love began to do its work.  She pitched her tent of hope in my collapsed world.  And she visited frequently, always reminding me that God was in control, that His purposes would be accomplished in my life.

My best friends – Scott Barclay, Scott Sorgea, John Harris, Rich Shearer – came regularly. Our lives have been connected and committed to one another since our teenage years. We have traveled the world together. We have been teammates. We have stood with each other through difficult times in each of our journeys.  And in the midst of my greatest failure, as I was buried in shame and hurt and depression, they loved me. They never spoke to the issues, they spoke of friendship, of love, of support, of the future. They birthed hope in my heart. They pitched their tents in the desolate desert of my life.  A man could not ask for better friends than these; God gave me the best friends in the world.

My parents visited every week. Never did they abandon me or give up. They rose above the shame and embarrassment that my failure brought to their lives. Along with my brother, they were a pillar of strength amidst the ruins. My friend Hal Donaldson flew in numerous times from somewhere on this planet, sacrificing time with his wife and four beautiful daughters. His genuine love for me was a light of hope in my dark world. Sam Huddleston, who holds a prominent position in ministry and spent years in prison himself, lifted my spirit with his visit, reminding me that God can turn the wreckage of our lives into something beautiful. So many more came. Individuals from my youth ministry days – one from China, two from San Diego, another from Texas, and many others – visited and birthed hope in my heart. Because of their acts of love and sacrifice, my life has been transformed. I am back to the man I once was, a man consumed with Jesus, a man who wants nothing more than to reach people with His love, to create hope in the hearts of others. Hope always births more hope.

No Matter where you find yourself today, hope awaits, hope is standing, hope is on your side.  Perhaps, in some form, your world has collapsed and you find yourself trapped in a hollow and cavernous place, an empty pit, an emotional mine filled with the dirt of despair, the rubble of regrets, the silence of sadness.  Allow the wind of hope to enter your heart, to fill the vacuum of uncertainty, to push back the murky clouds of failure and fear, of guilt and gloom, of loneliness and loss.  Permit the candle of hope to flicker the light of belief in your dark cavern, reminding you that all the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the flame of that single candle; the flame of hope cannot be extinguished.  And maybe, just maybe, no one understood this more than miner number thirty-one, Mario Gomez, as he came back from the dead, rediscovering life at Camp Hope.

In the days before he was rescued, he had reached a breaking point.  Though he was the oldest and most experienced miner, he began to feel strong explosions in the shafts around him and started panicking that another cave-in was imminent.  When Gomez finally surfaced, he crawled out of the capsule and dropped to his knees in prayer.  His wife rushed to his side and fell to the ground hugging him intensely, overwhelmed with emotion that she could hold the man she loved one more time ... hold him while he was still alive.  It was hope that created this moment, a moment where the world witnessed the rare blessing of the earth giving back those it trapped, returning love that appeared lost, reuniting hearts that had been broken.  And this same hope is available to you.  It's a simple prayer away.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”

A Note of Gratitude

So many of you who have read this have played an integral part in birthing hope in my heart.  Your acts of kindness, your words of encouragement and love, your prayers of support and blessing for my life, for my daughter's lives and for my family, will never be forgotten.  I am forever indebted to you, each one of you, for helping me rise from the ashes of failure, enabling me to see beyond the rubble to the new foundation that God is building in my life.  Because of you, hope was birthed in my heart, causing me to climb the mountain in front of me.  Though I have not reached the summit, one day I will.  And once there, I will plant my tent of hope for all the world to see, a tent that each of you had a hand in making.

A special thank you to so many of you who sacrificed a portion of your life and visited me in prison, for reminding me that God has given me the gifts to be able to make my wrongs right.  My greatest desire and deepest longing is to be given the opportunity to bring full restitution to those who suffered losses in the Investment Fund I was managing.  I pray that God would grant me this opportunity.  I would also like to thank a very special friend, Toni Tobin, who not only visited me, but also encouraged me to start writing again (something I did not want to do) and to establish myself on Facebook to reconnect with so many of you who have been an important part of my life.  Thank you Toni for the many hours you give to my life and my world.

Creating Life

His war began at birth.  Born to a heroin-addicted mother, he came into this world addicted himself.  His toddler years were filled with neglect and aloneness.  Both parents were absent from his life, one physically, the other emotionally.  He never knew his dad and he barely knew his mom.  Growing up in the worst projects on the south side of Chicago, without someone to lead or guide, the hood became his example and gang members and drug dealers were his teachers.  At the age of seven – shrouded in the invisible cloak of childhood and perceived innocence – he developed his own covert hustle of running narcotics from sellers to buyers.  By his late teenage years, he mastered the crack cocaine trade, reaping enormous profits, enabling him to live a life that temporarily buried painful childhood memories of an upbringing absent of love, devoid of family, entombed in oppressive poverty.  His life would become the bi-product of an ever-present treachery of circumstance, environment, and choice.

In due course, he married the love of his life, was blessed with four beautiful children, finally finding fulfillment and joy in something he had craved since childhood, a family.  His war shifted from an external battle to an internal struggle.  After becoming a father, he saw the world differently.  He wanted out of the game.  He was tired of the underworld, exhausted from its trappings – the women, the binges, the seediness – disillusioned with the duality of crossing back and forth from family man to kingpin.  He saw the destruction his trade brought to humankind, the addictions it caused, the hopelessness it fueled, the families it destroyed, the lives it ruined.  Internally, he awakened to the fact that he was a peddler of death.  The war between right and wrong raged within and gradually he was filled with an insatiable desire to help people, not hurt them.

Encouraged by the love of an amazing woman, his wife Stephanie, he set out to make his wrongs right, to exit the practice of dealing substances that killed.  Once free, he was determined to use his resources to heal and to assist, to build and to create life for others.  He tried to walk away, but it was too late, he had passed the point of no return.  His empire was too big, too connected.  Bigger crime organizations knew he could bring them down.  Slowly the threats arrived – intimidation, stalking, phone calls – escalating into random acts of violence, ending one night in a barrage of bullets, piercing his body five times, leaving him for dead.  Amazingly he survived, but not without great cost; his left leg was severely injured and had to be amputated.  Fearing for his life, and the lives of his wife and his children, he knew the only way out was to take the fall for others.  Once indicted, he did not cooperate with the Government as an informant in lieu of a lower sentence.  As a result, he received the maximum penalty for his crime, twenty-two years in prison.  He paid a severe price to do the right thing, to leave the game, for the opportunity to redeem himself and pursue the newfound passion in his heart, an earnest desire to create life.

Jerome Williams has a cheerful, vivid, and dazzling smile, projecting a glowing and sunny disposition.  His face is a constant beaming beacon of joy and hope.  His words never cease to encourage and lift you up.  Everyone loves this African-American man as he rolls around the compound in his wheelchair.  In an environment of racial divisions, a place filled with aversion and sorrow, a grim terrain of despair and depression, he is a shining light of love among the dark shadows of human failure.  I met him for the first time on my second day at the Federal Correctional Institution in which we are confined.  Walking into the gym, hoping to get in a pick-up game of basketball, I was greeted by an intimidating scene of thirty-plus guys waiting to play.  Not one was white.  Scanning the scene, I noticed a man in a wheelchair cheering everyone on.  Eventually he noticed me – my skin color stood out – and he rolled over and introduced himself.  After some small talk he asked if I played basketball.  I said yes and within minutes the whole gym was made aware that I was playing in the next game.  No one argued or contested his proclamation.  Halfway through the contest, he became my cheerleader, hooting and hollering, "We have a white boy that can play.  We have a white boy that can shoot.  After that first game he bequeathed me my compound nickname, "Steve Nash."

From that point our relationship grew and we developed a friendship.  We shared our life stories and have spent many hours talking, praying, and singing.  He is never bothered by my lack of melody and harmony.  He just always smiles and invites me to join in when he launches into a worship song or some timeless Motown classic, usually his favorite, "Just Don't Want To Be Lonely," repeatedly singing the same lines, "I'd rather be loved and needed, when you're gone, when you're gone, I just don't want to be lonely, I want to be loved."  Then that smile, that ever present smile followed by his usual joyful words, "Steve I am so loved, so loved.  Jesus loves me and has given me a brand new life.  And my wife, Steve, my wife, wow, she is the most amazing woman ever, she just loves me so much.  Can you believe it?  She loves this bald, one-legged man, I mean she really loves me.  She has stood by my side all these years.  If she were not a woman she would be Jesus."

One afternoon, I spoke to Stephanie on the phone.  I was absolutely astonished; she was as positive and uplifting as Jerome.  She was so warm and friendly, personable and engaging.  I told her, “Your husband is one of the most amazing men I have ever met." She responded, "No Steve, he is the most amazing man.  God blessed me and our children with the best man possible.  I winked at Jerome as he sat in the background listening, his smile sparkling and glowing, blinding all those around.  Midway through the conversation, she asked for the names of my daughters and wife.  She went on to explain what God did in her heart, how He watched over their children all these years, and how He caused her love to grow for her husband.  She told me she would pray for my family, reminding me that God will move the mountains of doubt, pain, and failure.  When I handed the phone back to Jerome I felt renewed.  Her words of faith and hope and love birthed life in me.

The indomitable spirit of this remarkable couple, their courage through these exhausting years of pain and separation has been an inspiration to me.  They have resisted the temptation to marinate in umbrage, to live in steep resentment, choosing not to wallow in ruin but instead to use the years to create life in their world.  Seventeen years ago, when Jerome limped into the most dangerous and violent level of the Federal Prison System, a U.S. Penitentiary, he figured his life was over.  He had lost everything.  Only his wife and children remained.  And he was convinced he would soon lose them.  He was scared and alone.  During his first year of incarceration he had an encounter with Jesus, and his life has never been the same.  Simultaneously, in the free world, his wife was transformed by the love of God.  And now this beautiful couple is possessed with an indissoluble unity and resilient disposition to share their story, their transformation, their lives, driven by the desire to create life for others.

Everywhere Jerome goes, he leaves a trail of life.  He creates life with his words.  Without fail, he leaves everyone smiling and feeling better.  I have never heard him say an unkind word.  He laughs, he encourages, he builds people up.  He has made the most of the years and creates life in every facet in which he finds himself.  His words constantly lift one's spirit.  He understands the most powerful gift we all possess is the ability to speak.  Our words create life or death.

Jesus created life with all he came into contact with.  People found hope and healing.  All walks of society were drawn to him.  He constantly spoke words of life, projecting hope and love, kindness and compassion.  His words lifted people, they inspired, they brought healing, enabling individuals to see past their insecurities and doubts, beyond their failures and misfortunes.  His words birthed life into lifeless hearts.  This is what God does.  He speaks life.  We must do the same.

We all have the power to create life.  Why do we spend time and energy hurting others, speaking callous words, thinking unkind thoughts?  Why do we easily speak negative things about others, wounding their hearts and damaging their spirit?  When a person stumbles, fails, falls short, often we magnify their pain through abandonment, through gossip, through indifference.  Crucial moments in which we could birth life, bring restoration and healing, we choose to remain silent and distant.

When we speak kind words, positive statements of affirmation, of love, of hope, we not only create life in someone else's world, we birth life in our own hearts.  I hear it on the phone with my daughters.  When I remind them of how beautiful and wonderful they are, how they are so brave and strong, so brilliant and amazing, they giggle and laugh.  I hear the joy in their hearts, the happiness in their spirits.  And this produces amazing feelings of joy and love in my heart.  As we create life, we discover more life.

Life is something that grows or dies.  It is never stagnant.  Everything living follows this pattern.  Relationships must be nurtured, fed, and watered with healthy nutrients – our words – enabling life to bloom and unfold, to flourish.  Many times we pass on opportunities to create life with the people we treasure and adore.  We grow accustomed to our surroundings, taking people for granted.  When is the last time you complimented the love of your life, telling them how beautiful they are, how much you appreciate them, acknowledging something they accomplished, validating their uniqueness, reminding them of how they are the most important person in your life?  Marriages and relationships die for one reason, the failure to cultivate and nurture life.

One of my failures in my present marriage to Christina was that I lacked consistency in creating an environment where life could grow, where love could truly help another flourish.  Our relationship was complex, filled with much drama and dysfunction, resulting in a marriage of incredible highs and lows.  The emotional ground on which our relationship stood was not tectonically stable, causing a large portion of our marriage to be lived in a tension of emotion, passion, and difficulty, creating a rotating cycle of vertiginous triumph followed by humiliating failure.  Often, when confronted with behavior and thought processes I had never seen or experienced before, I found myself reacting, not responding.  There is a great degree of separation in the two approaches, and the results each approach will produce.  Reaction comes from a defensive posture, a place of insecurity.  Response comes from a position of security.  Reaction causes death.  Response creates life.

Much of this was a result of my own dysfunction, hurt, and internal pain, which silently and unknowingly resided in my heart.  Instead of recognizing and understanding the insecurities, fear, hurt, and damage from her past, from my past, from negative experiences in our relationship and using those as an opportunity to create life, I would go quiet, speak words from my own insecurity, words that would injure and hurt.  Looking back I see this now; at the time I was blind, very blind.  I carried a lot of hurt from the failure of my first marriage.  It was the first real failure of my life and it was devastating; I lost my first true love.  For years, I unwittingly and mistakenly buried all the hurt and pain causing me to change so much as a person.  I lost my moral compass.  I felt things did not matter.  Life became fleeting.  I subconsciously built walls, walls to keep people out.

Our marriage reached an impasse, mostly as a result of my own moral failure.  After a brief separation, we decided to reunite and do everything we could to save the marriage.  Our last seven months together were some of the most beautiful, rewarding, and challenging times in our relationship and in my personal life.  With God's help, I began to change as a person, finally recognizing how far I had fallen, beginning to identify and understand the carnage in my heart, slowly returning to the man I once was, awakening again to God's call on my life.  God helped me walk away from vices that brought great destruction to my personal life and hurt to my wife.  As a couple, we prayed together and committed ourselves to counseling.  We seemed to turn the corner.  We both were dedicated to creating life in our marriage, in our family, for our three beautiful, wonderful, and amazing daughters.  We worked hard together, standing through tremors of misunderstandings, surviving earthquakes of unfulfilled ambitions and unresolved pain that flowed from a reservoir of individual failure that haunted us both.

In the end, dark decisions of deceit, lies, and unconscionable actions of betrayal doomed the relationship and marriage.  But the painful death of our union is no excuse for us to not press forward, wanting and desiring the best for each other, doing everything within our power to work together to create life for our daughters.  Nor is it an excuse for us to not stand in support of one another as individuals.  We will forever be connected because of our girls.  I stand in full support of Christina as a person and what God is doing in and through her.  We both have been through trying times and still find ourselves in such an environment.  However, if we continue to pursue the source of life, pressing toward God, allowing His life to be lived through us in our actions, in our words, we will experience life in our respective worlds.  Life will blossom and unfold for our daughters.  And this life will lead to healing and blessing for our girls, for us on our individual journeys.

When our lives are adversely affected by actions of another that brought us deep hurt and pain, we must guard our hearts from falling into a venomous valley of self-pity and anger, stewing in resentment.  At all costs, we must continue to speak life to the party who brought us injury.  We must pray blessing on them.  This can be a very difficult place to reach in our minds and hearts.  Often, a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions cyclones through our inner self, leaving a trail of havoc and wreckage and devastation, throwing our lives into a barren field of a shattered self-image, of a bruised and broken spirit, a place filled with an inexhaustible ache of the heart.  But this barrenness also serves as fertile soil for new life to grow, for new love to be discovered, for new dreams to be birthed.  If we sow seeds of life, not death, then cultivate with goodness and kindness, over time, our barren field will become a place where life flourishes with immense beauty, blossoming with fresh beginnings and bright hopes.

The road to joy in our lives is the road out from grief and unwarranted suit.  There is a providence out there as well as deprivation, a benevolence running counter to the general drift of bad bounces, painful loss, poor choices that bring failure and shame.  We simply need to choose this providence, determining in our hearts and minds that we will create life in whatever environment we find ourselves.  It's this choice that enabled Jerome to become the man that he is today, a force of positive energy, a magnet of joy and love, a completely transformed and changed man.

Jerome was released last week.  Seventeen years ago he entered prison because he promoted and distributed death; he left promoting and creating life.  I watched him roll through the gates a final time.  As he turned to look, his amazing and ever present smile caused the whole world to stop for a moment, resonating all things good, reflecting life and hope.  Through that wide grin, he shouted words to me that I will never forget, causing my eyes to moisten quickly, "Nash, I will see you again in a few years.  We are going to move mountains of doubt and unbelief, mountains of death and torment, mountains of pain and hurt.  God is with you and has a mighty call on your life."  And with that came a final wave, coupled with that radiant smile that would light up the darkest night – doing what it always does, creating life.