Somalia

Deep inside the border, guns were firing and bullets were spraying in numerous

directions.  At times they were within a few feet of my body and yet at times they were a world away.  This was determined by the frame of mind I chose to be in.  Considering the situation in which I found myself, I was holding up pretty well.  It's amazing what crosses your mind when you reach the point in your life where you admit to yourself, it could all end today.

Before I set out for this country, I had a premonition something like this would

happen.  All reports I had read about Somalia encouraged what I experienced.  So you go to a land of war and famine with certain pictures in the back of your mind.  You expect the worst and the reality of the situation is far more disastrous than what you first envisioned.

I was traveling by convoy from Baidoa to Mogadishu.  In the process we would

cross tension areas.  However, we were told things would be relatively safe.  We had our own hired protection.  Plenty of young men brandishing Soviet and U.S. weapons. Our convoy consisted of three passenger vehicles, two transport vehicles carrying supplies, and three protection vehicles loaded with freelance soldiers, hired to protect relief and United Nations workers.  Things went smoothly for about two hours.  And then all hell broke loose.

It happened so fast, making it hard to recall the events.  First, there were two

vehicles ahead blocking the road.  I assumed there would be trouble, but I never

anticipated or imagined what happened next.  When our hired hands saw the vehicles, they immediately began to fire their weapons.  And sure enough, the opposition fired back.  It was strange for me to be in an environment where no one negotiated through conversation.   Negotiating in this country came down to who had the best weapons and most ammunition.  Fortunately we did on this day.

After about forty-five minutes, the firing ceased.  Our enemy grabbed their

wounded, threw them into their vehicles and sped off.  We did the same.  And that was it.  Just like that.  To me it was mind-boggling.  To the Somalis traveling with us, it was normal.  And to the U.N. and relief workers that had been in the country for some time, it was somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.  “Welcome to Somalia,” they told me.  After sitting in stunned silence for a few moments, I finally asked for an explanation to what was just experienced.  Most could not answer.  For they really did not know.  They just dismissed it as life in Somalia.

Somalia is unlike any place I have ever been.  One cannot even understand or comprehend the horrendous situation without being there.  Maybe a page out of my journal can paint the picture more accurately.

Driving through Mogadishu's streets is a nightmare.  Every building is bombarded and

bullet ridden.  Women wrapped in black shawls walk toward feeding centers, hoping to find food for themselves and their babies.  Holding their heads, children are crying while fighting for food. Under a palm tree I see skeletal bodies lying unconscious.   On every street I see glass- eyed people with heads too big for their bodies.  All along the roadside, people are standing watching the sun, shielding their eyes and brushing flies from their faces.  Armed teenagers are visible everywhere.  All around the villages and towns, many of these young men are dying.  Most could not tell you what they are fighting for.

Every few hundred yards or so, I see dead bodies.  There are no wrappings or coverings,

they lay there as if they were asleep.  I am told that a truck comes by every morning picking up the bodies of the previous night's dead.  They are then wrapped in food sacks which held rice donated by the United States and then transferred to Somali grave diggers who will drive truckloads of bodies to makeshift cemeteries out in the bush.  Usually the numbers add up to over 1200 a day throughout Somalia.  I feel paralyzed by the horror I am witnessing.   I cannot write any more.

One lesson I learned in Somalia is this:  big government action will not bring

lasting change.  Neither can we rely on the United Nations to serve as a moral enforcer or a solver of the problems this world is faced with.  In most of these situations they seem powerless.  And as this world expands, population explodes, we will inevitably be faced with more Somalia type situations.   As I write, there are screams coming from all over this stained planet. Human advancement and better technology do not silence the cries. Technology cannot change hearts, heal wounds, and wipe away tears.  Neither can human advancement.  And big government and billions of dollars will not produce

lasting change. I have found only one thing that can transform a broken and

bruised world.  Only one.  Compassion.  Nothing else.  And compassion is conspicuous by its absence in many of our lives. This is evident by our actions and what we choose as priorities. The insatiable desire to focus on ourselves causes us to become immune. Numb. Sidetracked. Blind.

It was through my experience in Somalia that I learned the true meaning of

compassion.  Through all the suffering and horror, I realized compassion is not

sympathy.  Neither is it pity.  And it's more than a desire to help.  Much more.

Compassion is action.  It's responding to needs without hesitation or emotional stirring. It's simply seeing each person on this planet as a person of worth and value, regardless of their situation.  Compassion is a gut-wrenching sense of the needs of others that motivates us to action.

Somalia caused me to feel some of the deepest pain and heartache I have ever felt. It also caused me to feel joy.  Compassion is what linked these opposites.  Pain and heartache were felt because of the horrendous suffering of people.  Joy was experienced because of a light in the middle of that dark hell.  This light was an old man. His story caused me to feel something I have not felt in a long time.  His example taught me a powerful lesson:  through compassion  . . .   pain will become the bridge to a new joy.  

Hassan Mursa is sixty-four years of age.  His life has not been one of great

excitement.    Most of it has been spent in a small village in central Somalia.   For the last five decades he has been a shepherd and farmer.   Over the last fifty years, almost everyday has been the same - wake up at the break of dawn, watch a few animals, plow a little land, search for food and water, and retire to a dirt floor when the sun sets.

Hassan had a large family.  This was his pride and joy.  He loved playing with his sixteen grandchildren and five great-grandchildren.  One of his greatest thrills had been teaching his children and grandchildren how to hunt.   He was looking forward to passing down the teachings to his third generation offspring.  But then Somalia was devastated by its current crisis.  As a result, his great grandchildren would have to wait. Survival was now the main priority for the family.  Quickly, most of Hassan's male children found themselves joining the army of their respective clan.  Older grandchildren soon followed.  And off to war they went.  None returned.

Eventually, food could no longer be found in and around the village.  Slowly death crept in.  It never left.  Within four months, seventy percent of the village died.  All were victims of hunger and disease.  Hassan was now the only adult male alive in the village.  He knew something had to be done.  So early one morning he gathered all the remaining survivors in the village and informed them it was time to leave.  They could no longer wait for husbands and sons to return from war.  Time had run out.  It was either leave or die.  And so the exodus began.  Over sixty people began to walk into an uncertain future following a weak and frail sixty-four year old man.

After three days of walking, fourteen had died.  In this group lay two of the five

great grandchildren.  Two days later another sixteen were captured by death.  Hassan's three daughters were among the victims.  But on he went.  His large family of thirty-seven had now dwindled down to eight.  Three-grandchildren, two-great grandchildren, two daughters-in-law, and himself.

Along the way, Hassan saw bodies everywhere.  Death was striking whom it pleased. Villages were abandoned. Carcasses lay strewn along roadsides.  Vehicles were destroyed.  Towns were blown up.  Somalia looked like Armageddon.  Hassan hated what he saw.  How could his own people turn against each other and destroy their own country?  This question haunted him.  Yet, Hassan never lost hope.    Onward he pressed.  

During his journey, Hassan found others wandering aimlessly in search of help.  Mostly women and children.  All were members of opposing clans.  In other words, they were the enemy.  Hassan despised these people.  After all, their families were partly responsible for killing his.  He could gladly ignore them and leave them to die.  The thought of taking this particular form of vengeance brought to light what ruled Hassan's heart.  And at that point, Hassan became appalled by the hatred he saw in his own heart.  He was trapped by the very evil he despised.  Even if he found a feeding center and survived, what freedom could he ever find when his soul was imprisoned by murderous hate?  He now understood where the real war in Somalia was being waged . . .  in the heart.     

So Hassan battled his own soul and fought off his personal feelings.  And what he did as a result was courageous.  Recognizing where the real war was, he moved forward to bring peace and healing.   He took the enemy in and allowed them to join his group.  In the midst of trying to ensure his own survival and the survival of remaining family members, compassion took over.  He saw others worse off than himself.  A trickle of light was now shining brightly in a very dark situation.  There was hope for Somalia.  Compassion was the source of this hope.

Finally, after twelve days of searching, Hassan and his group of forty arrived at a

Red Cross feeding station.   After walking over one hundred miles on nothing but hope, there was a chance for survival.  Of the original villagers, only thirteen made it. Of the enemy picked up along the way, twenty-seven survived.  And of Hassan’s family, only three remained; a granddaughter, a great grandson and himself.  In the process of losing most of his family and friends, Hassan Mursa reached out to others in need. Compassion was displayed.  And lives on the brink of death now had a second chance. Pain had indeed become the bridge to a new joy for at least forty people.  Compassion built that bridge.  

Sitting here, reflecting on the courage of one man's compassion, I think I know

what Hassan's new joy is.  Remember the great grandson, the only one to survive.  He is going to learn to hunt.  The one he calls grandpa is going to teach him.  In the process, I have a feeling the great grandson is going to learn a little more than hunting. He will learn how to build bridges.  May we learn to build them as well.

Let’s not become calloused people. Reach out to those less fortunate.  Build a bridge.  You just might feel something you have not felt in a long time.  And in the process  . . .  in someone's world  . . .  pain will become the bridge to a

new joy.

Leaving

I took off and left for a place where no one was waiting for me to arrive.   No friends, no family, no familiar surroundings.   For a short time, I was leaving all this behind.   I would live in a realm where truth was hidden, where it would be harder to pin down.  This would be a place beyond security and the well-defined shadows of life which have shaded me from looking deep within to examine what really occupied the cornerstone of my heart.

This particular journey was something I wanted to do for years.  There was a bizarre fascination with the place I was headed.  Probably an obsession.  At first, I could not tell you why.  I simply found myself consumed with thoughts of Beirut, Lebanon.  Perhaps it was the mysteries that lay hidden deep within this particular nation.  It could have been the danger and terror that got the best of my curiosity . . .  the stories and lives of the American hostages, the unnecessary killings, the obliteration of a nation and city for no apparent reason.  All these particular thoughts created a driving force in my heart, haunting me with the question "Why?" 

After reading every book I could get my hands on, I still had no real answers to satisfy my questions in regards to the fighting, killings, and wars this country and city were plagued with.  Eventually, I felt I needed to travel to Beirut in order to learn more and finally obtain valid answers to my questions. Something which could only be found in Beirut.   So I pursued the possibility of entering Lebanon.  After months of research, letter writing, and making contacts, I received a visa to enter Lebanon.  

No one can impart belief to another.  Truth yes.  Doctrine yes.  History yes.  But not belief.  Belief is something we must find for ourselves.  It is a personal possession.  A life lived in conformity to accepted beliefs always makes it debatable whether a choice has ever really been made in regards to those beliefs.   In most cases, belief is something which was handed down, not chosen by a gut wrenching search with one's own soul, mind, and heart. Most of us have been shaped by our environment.  We are defined by it.  Our beliefs have been handed down and taken root in our heart without ever making a personal choice in regards to them.  And this was the main reason for my leaving  . . .  to find, to search, to know what was mine and what was handed down, to make it real.

All of us are creatures in search of something new, something genuine, something fulfilling.  Most of us find ourselves driven by some unknown force inside.  It's something that causes us to long for something real and something new.  Yet most never experience this newness and realness because they are afraid to leave.  This fear grips a heart with unshakeable force because the truth which lies inside has never been possessed.  It has lain dormant in the halls of theory and knowledge.

It is said that leaving is "Sweet Sorrow."   Sorrow because leaving signals the end of an era, a time that can be no more.  Sweet because it puts you on the threshold of something new, something that cannot be unless something is left behind.   Mixed emotions characterize leaving at its best.  And so it was with me.  Landing in Beirut was accompanied by emotions that were diametrically opposed.  Fear and faith, worry and assurance, trust and doubt, joy and sadness, pleasure and pain.  I am sure these same feelings envelop every aspect of leaving.  In the terminal, my mind wanders and I envision what I am feeling.

Standing in silence, I feel my heart pounding.  A picture flashes through my mind.  A young man is sitting in the passenger seat of a car.  His mom is in the driver's seat.  As they arrive at the airport, there is an awkward quietness.  People who have known each other for years are now finding it extremely difficult to come up with words.  Quickly, the son grabs his bags and begins his walk to the terminal.  Mom is not ready for him to go.  She scampers after him and waits for him at the edge of the ticket counter.  After checking in, the son and mom stroll slowly toward the gate.  The conversation settles around the past.  The times which once were.  The growing up years.  The first real romance.  The athletic accomplishments.  Each new sentence begins with "Remember."  There is no hint of what the future holds.  No conversation in refers to the future.  Only the past.  Yes, on this day, the past will be the main topic. And then it's time to go.  The flight is boarding.  The son, crying softly, grabs mom, hugs her, kisses her, and tells her he loves her.  Mom does the same.  He then boards his flight and ventures out on his own for the first time.  He is saying good-bye to a time that will be no more.  He is leaving.  And it hurts.  But now he will discover what is his.

I remember reading Boris Becker's feelings that he jotted in his journal after winning Wimbledon in 1985 at the age of seventeen.  One would think that this young man would be feeling as though he was on top of the world.  Surely he would be experiencing incredible feelings of adulation and joy.  A tremendous high.  On this day you would believe that Boris Becker was the happiest and most content person in the world.  After all he won the most prestigious crown in tennis.  But Boris writes in his journal that he was feeling empty and depressed after winning.  I know why he felt this way.  Not more than thirty minutes after receiving the coveted trophy, the crowd goes home.  The Stadium is silent.  The competition is over.  There remains nothing to be conquered.  It has been accomplished.  And so you wind up alone in the locker room taking a shower.  Then you grab your bag and head out the door for the last time.  You are leaving a moment in history.  And this moment will never be replayed.  Boris Becker was depressed and empty because he was leaving.  Leaving the moment, the experience, the event.  Leaving always hurts.

There is pain that always comes with leaving.  No matter what you leave it hurts. Whether it's a dream, a place, a person, a time in your life, it hurts to leave.  Leaving is hard.  Especially one aspect of leaving.  The cruelest part of leaving.  The part where you have to go.  You have run out of time.  The last minutes.  The end.  I wondered, “Why is it so hard to leave?”

The last minutes are so hard because of the fear of unanswered questions.  Can we find the same kind of fulfillment the thing being left once brought?  Can we reach the same depth of relationship with new people in our lives?  Will we ever experience romance again? Can we make it in a new environment? These questions are a few of the hundreds that plague an individual who is about to leave.  In many cases, the pain and fear that leaving brings causes multitudes of individuals to stay shackled in a prison of security.  This prison never allows people to discover who they are, and it hinders them from taking ownership of their lives to discover brand new vistas and horizons.

When I look back on my life I see many things left behind.    At one point there were certain views and opinions I would have died for.  They were needed at a certain stage in life.  They caused growth for a time.  Then I reached a day where they began to hinder.  They had to be left or they would have crippled. It was hard to leave.  Extremely hard.  But it had to be done or it would have brought stagnation and mediocrity to my life.   My leaving for Beirut followed along this same pattern.  It was either leave and discover something new or lock myself in a prison cell of doubt and wondering, chained by security.  So I chose to leave.  And it was in Beirut where I discovered  . . .   the hardest thing to leave is who we are.

Most of us want to move on and leave the securities that no longer satisfy our longings.  But we also fear the cold reality of living without them.  It's hard to leave our comfort zones.    From the time we came into this world we kicked and screamed when we left the warm and safe environment.  Back then it was our mother's womb.  Today we create and build our own wombs.  Anything can be a womb in one's life.  Our mothers' bodies were rude to us.  They forced us out.  Should we find ourselves in another womb later in life, we are the ones left to do the pushing.  And if we would grow, follow the path to someplace new, higher, better; we will have to become more heartless with ourselves.   We will have to leave.  If we are not careful, the cord that gave us life for a season could very well choke the life out of us if we do not cut it and leave.  This would leave nothing but a corpse.

Lebanon taught me much about myself.   I realized that many times I am not honest with myself.  It's easy for me to get up in front of a group of people and exercise a great amount of faith and energy for a period of time.  At times there is a desire within to have a certain reputation among those who really do not know me.  I write and lecture about trust, faith, obedience and risk and yet am plagued many times by my own shortcomings in these areas.  In many cases, what I was writing was something I learned but never owned.  I believed it in theory, but my heart was not possessed with it.  Head knowledge belief.  Something passed down.  Never owned.  Until now  .  .  . after I left.

From the Heart of One Father

This part of my life … this part of my life is called sadness.  Today is an extremely difficult day.  Everything I want to be, I desire to be ... everything that was and is most important to me - my daughters, their lives, their future - all of this is removed from me in the present.  To be a good father, a great father, to be there for my girls in each and every situation  ... to encourage them and build them up, to laugh and pray with them, to show them the world and let them know they can dream any dream, they can reach for the sky  ...  there are no limits ... all of this is gone, gone in the present.

On this day, Father's Day, I can't hug my girls.  I can't touch them.   I can't feel their soft skin.  I can't brush the hair from their eyes.  I am not there to hold their hands to let them know everything is going to be all right.  I can't hold them tight in what should be the safest place in the universe ... a daddy's arms.    I am limited.  I am limited in so many ways.  Mostly I am limited to fulfill my fundamental duty as a father, to show my daughters by example the kind of people they should be.

Today I feel the weight of my sins, my mistakes, my choices.  I look back with great sorrow and regret.  In an attempt to give my daughters a great and wonderful life with no worries, I have given them the opposite.  Shelby is still too young to understand.  But she is approaching the age where the questions will come.  She will see other dads on the first day of kindergarten.  She will meet the dads of her friends.  Their dads will be there to drop them off and pick them up.  They will be there to cheer her friends on in soccer and ballet.  Her's won't.  Inevitably, the questions will come ... why can't Daddy be here?  No child should have to hear the words she will hear.

My oldest daughter Shayne is well aware of my situation.  I can't imagine the sadness and pain and hurt, the wounds she carries deep inside.  Wounds that create scars.  Wounds that seldom heal.  Her feelings must be polarized when she is around her friends who are proud of their dads … at school events catered toward fathers, at banquets and award dinners where she is being honored, at sporting events where someone else has replaced me on the sidelines as her coach and biggest fan, at functions where she looks in the audience and sees an empty seat ... my seat.

On this Father's Day, I take the painful journey back to the two happiest days of my life, the day's of Shayne and Shelby's birth.  No words can accurately describe the joy, the excitement, the happiness I felt when I witnessed the birth of my two daughters.  The miracle of life ...  the tiny hands and feet ...  the little nose ... the precious eyes and mouth.  I still vividly remember the first time I saw both little angels as they entered this world, leaving the warm, secure environment of their mother's womb.  I realized at that moment, that precise moment, that a great portion of their future rested in my hands.  I understood the most important thing in my life would not count for much unless they had every opportunity in theirs.  I committed my life in the stillness of that moment to help create those opportunities.

I look back today and replay so much in my mind.  The good and the bad.  The happy and the sad.  I consider my current plight and think how things could have been so different.  When I look back at my work, questions plague me.  "Why did I sell that stock?  Why did I buy those options?  Why did I sell so early?  Why did I sell so late?"  I think about how close I was to being on the other end of this equation.  Instead of being locked away, I was so close to freedom.  Financial freedom ... for my investors, for my children, for my family.  Freedom for them to dream and believe in anything.  Freedom to experience a world of opportunity I desired to create.  I think of the risks I took.  I always believed that great risks produced great rewards.  I now experience and understand the dark side of the same coin ... great risks suffer great consequences.  I wonder, "Why didn't I walk away when the fund was up?  Why didn't I let people know when the fund was down?"  Fear.  Fear to fail.  Fear to lose.  Fear to hurt others.  Fear to let people down.  It is not in my nature to give up.  My nature is to succeed, to solve the problem, to fix the situation.  I thought I could.  I thought I would.  I was wrong.  I made the wrong choice when faced with the most difficult decision a man faces – the decision that requires one to choose between integrity and the necessity to fulfill promises made. 

I wonder today, will my girls see beyond the shame, the pain, the stigma of a father in prison?  Will they see any of the good I have done with my life?  Will they see how hard I worked and see my intent, my desire, my hope in all of this?  Or will they only see my wrongs, my failures, my imperfections?

Today I think about what might have been.  Beautiful girls by my side.  Running through a field.  Swinging on a playground.  Kicking a soccer ball. Going on a bike ride.  Watching a movie.  Eating popcorn.  Licking icecream.  A family dinner.  Children laughing.  One giggling. Building memories.  Sharing secrets.  Telling Jokes.  More laughter.  More giggles.  More secrets.  More jokes.  More memories.  Bedtime showers.  Bedtime baths.  Bedtime prayers.  Open hearts. Closed eyes.  Folded hands.  Daddy's Bible.  Daddy's words.  Daddy's kiss.  God visiting.  Wonder.  Security.  Comfort.  Hope. 

In life, every father has twin obligations.  Obligations to his family, his wife, his children; and obligations to his work, his calling, his purpose.  May the former not be filled with regrets due to the cost of the latter.  This is the mistake I have made and it has cost me everything.  I implore you to not make the same mistakes as a father, as a man.  On this Father's Day, I encourage you to cherish the wife you have.  Treasure the children you hold.  Value the family you have been given.  Focus on the good in your life, not the bad.  Lay to rest what is wrong, build on what is right.  Do something nice for the most important people in your life, on this day, your day, Father's Day.  I know it’s your time to be pampered and appreciated.  Push that to the background.  Instead of Father's Day being about you, make it about what you do, what a father does.  Instead of being pampered ... pamper.  Instead of looking for appreciation ... appreciate.  Instead of being loved  ...  love.  Take it from someone like me; you never know when the moment you have now may never be again.  Can I remind you?  There is nothing like the feeling of a little hand squeezing a big hand.  There are no words like "Daddy come see."  There is no sensation like a child's hug. 

So today, speak some kind words.  Shower your children with compliments.  Gather your family around you and create a memory they will never forget.  Look them in the eyes, each one, and tell them how much they mean to you.  Remind them of how much you love them.  In front of your children, tell and show your wife how much you adore her.  Let them see how much you value, treasure, and cherish their mom.  Do one more thing.  Pray with your children.  Pray with your wife.  Pray with your family.

One last piece of advice ... words I wish I had heard when I was overwhelmed with my situation, when I was still a free man.  Always take the high road, not the easy road.  At all times, do the right thing, regardless of what the outcome will be.  And if you have failed, fallen short as a father, don't wallow in your failure.  Acknowledge it, get back up, ask God for help, and change the future.  One final thought.  As a favorite song of mine says ... words to live by ...

“Be a best friend,

Always tell the truth,

Overuse the words ‘I Love You’

Never let your praying knees get lazy,

And always  ...  Love like crazy!”

Happy Father's Day

A Message from South Africa

With the start of the world's greatest sports spectacle - the World Cup - there has been a renewed media focus on South Africa.  Eighteen years after apartheid ended, the southernmost African nation is hosting the world.   Vast portions of the globe's six billion people will focus their time and energy on this land of sacred soil, bound in an all-consuming passion for the beautiful game.  Soccer unites humankind like little else.

South Africa has given the world one of its most iconic figures.  Raised in an atmosphere of racial divisions and separations, a land of inequalities and injustices, a nation ravaged by the evils of apartheid, Nelson Mandela survived unimaginable sufferings, the mental anguish of a life-sentence, twenty years of harsh incarceration, rising from the depths of sorrow to display to the world a genuine gratefulness for the road he has traveled.  Mandela's fame is not without moral content, nor does it gleam autonomously.  His celebrity status is not hollow or empty.  His radiant, energy of fame, is a result of a life that matters, filled with substance, standing for principles believed in the toughest of times, absent of arrogance, overflowing with contrite humility.  This was never more evident than in the television interview I viewed on the eve of the kick-off to the world's biggest sporting event.  As the camera focused on Mandela's face, it appeared he was surrounded by an atmosphere of utter calm, a stillness that seemed magical and profound.  I found myself absorbed in his peacefulness.  His countenance displayed a gentleness of spirit which trumped the known realities of his struggles, hardships, and sufferings.  His words, his presence, communicated a clear message ... be thankful for all that you have, all that you've experienced in this life.

Mandela's interview, coupled with ephemeral images of individuals met in the course of my life, enables me to recognize a consistent pattern of gratitude in the lives of remarkable individuals.  I think of my friend Dave Roever who had half his face blown off in Vietnam when a phosphorus grenade exploded within inches of his head.  When he first saw his appearance in the mirror, he wanted to end his life.  In time, he overcame this disability to go on to become one of the most gifted communicators I know.  His message of hope has inspired millions.  On one occasion, Dave and I were speaking together at a conference.  Over the course of two days, I never heard him say one unkind word.  He was a positive force of energy, always encouraging and building up others, lifting their spirits.  Though disfigured and scarred, he was grateful for the chance to live.  Dave Roever and people like him are amazing human beings, not just because of the suffering endured, but because they experienced gratitude in the midst of tragedy.  There is often in people to whom the worst has happened a transcendant freedom, for they have faced hopelessness and survived.  They are incredibly thankful for life's experiences, even more so, for the gift of being alive.

Being thankful unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, confusion to clarity, pain to joy.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.  It's the key to living a fulfilled life.  If we dare not be grateful, then no matter how much we have, we will never be happy, we will always want something else or something more.  If there is an offense against this life, it consists not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life, a different life, causing us to miss the implacable grandeur of our present life.  Being thankful allows us to encounter everyday epiphanies, transcendent moments of awe that forever change life's experiences.

We all face adversity in life.  There is no way to avoid life's storms.  They will appear.  The clouds will gather.  The winds will arrive. The rain will come.  Occasionally, life's difficulties can be much more than simple storms, they can be horrific hurricanes.  Enormous calamities can happen to anyone at any time.  Sometimes, the unthinkable happens in our lives.  Terrible things occur.  Unspeakable loss rips our hearts apart. In times like these we must remember, life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to walk in the rain.  Life's sorrows don't eliminate its great joys.  We would not know the sweet moments in life unless we had the pain.

When things are tough, we have a hard time being thankful.  We tend to focus on what is wrong, blinding us from seeing what is still right.  In divorce, I have chosen to look for the good in two lives that shared years, intimacy, and time.  When you walked down that aisle, never did you imagine your lives could be torn apart.  There was a ubiquitous optimism about your future.  Divorce is the tearing apart of two lives, of a family, it is a deep pain that takes years to work through.  The effects of divorce stay with you for a lifetime.  Divorce never was and never will be God’s plan.  It tears up individual lives.  The lives of children are altered, impacted, leaving their hearts divided.  It tears at their hopes and dreams, at their securities.  Tearing always separates, divides, leaving marks and scars, permanent images that fade in time but are never erased.  There is not always a miraculous consolation from life's failures.  Sometimes you can't undo what has been done.  But you can lessen the pain by focusing on the good, not the bad, by being thankful for the person who gave you many years of their life.  Though you can't go back and make a brand new start, you can start from now and make a brand new ending.

I have come to see my ex-wife Robin in a new light.  I now see her in ways I never saw in our marriage.  Mostly I have come to see her with a perspective of gratefulness.  She works so hard at her life, at her work, at her career.  She works hard at being a generous and kind person, at being a mother, a single parent.  She is a teacher and a helper, a leader and a friend, understanding it's about spirituality and growth and taking care of your business and family and getting the right heart and head space and cutting those things out that will hurt you.  Her example is stunning and glowing.  I am grateful for her and the years she gave to me, to us.  I am thankful for her life.

When you go through a difficult period in life, it's easy to think about the bad, overlook the good, causing you to be more aware of what you don't have than what you do have.  When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present, we become content.  If you concentrate on finding the good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with appreciation, a feeling that nurtures the soul and spirit. 

Being grateful, no matter what is going on around you puts you in a position to keep your life moving forward, in the best direction possible.  Reflect upon your present blessings, not on your past misfortunes.  Be grateful for a lawn that needs mowing, flowerbeds that need weeding, gutters that need fixing, because it means you have a home.  Be thankful for diapers that need changing, dirty clothes that need washing, mouths that need feeding, because it means you are blessed with family.  Cherish the hand you get to hold, the lips you get to kiss, because it means someone loves you.  When you count your blessings, your whole life turns around.  Look for the lesson in every experience and then be thankful.  Gratitude changes the pangs of memory to a tranquil joy.

My Daughters

I am blessed to have three beautiful daughters. My daughter Shayne is from my marriage to Robin. My youngest Shelby and my step-daughter Abby, are from my marriage to Christina. These three girls bring the greatest joy to my life and I love them more than words could ever express.

Shayne (age 13) is an amazing resilient, beautiful young lady who has an innate optimism about her life, her world, her future. She has such a positive outlook on life. She is blessed with that special ability to see beyond the mountains. Her life brings me so much joy. (as do all my daughters) In so many ways, Shayne is a lot like me. She seems to be fearless and loves adventure and thrills, enjoys sports, and likes to travel and experience new cultures, places, and people. Her favorite places are Germany, Hawaii, and New York City. Shayne loves spending time with her friends. She is a computer whiz, loves technology, and is always up-to-date on the latest gadgets. Shayne has an interest in music and the arts and has been involved in Girl Scouts since kindergarten. She just graduated from St. Michaels Middle School and will be attending St. Francis High School this fall. Shayne has a radiant personality and is loved by all who meet her. Adults enjoy her liveliness and creativity. She has a tender spot for God and has developed into a wonderful young lady. I am very proud of Shayne and all she has accomplished.

Shelby just had her fifth birthday. She is a little sweetheart, is extremely intelligent and very articulate. She too is fearless and is a beautiful and brave little girl. Shelby is very compassionate and caring. She always tells me that "she is praying for me, she is praying really hard." Her sincere, innocent, and tender words give me strength to fight another day, to scale the mountain in front of me. She just completed pre-school and will start kindergarten this fall at Capital Christian School. Shelby loves princesses and the Little Mermaid. Her favorite cartoon is Tom and Jerry. She loves her older sisters dearly and enjoys spending time with them. Shelby lives within a half mile of all her grandparents. Both Christina's parents and my parents are very active in her life and spend lots of time with her. They are wonderful and phenomenal grandparents. I am very thankful for their involvement in Shelby's life and for the love and support they have given to all three girls during this difficult time in our lives. At the end of every phone conversation with Shelby, her words always warm my heart and bring tears to my eyes, "Daddy I love you so much. Can you call me again tomorrow?"

Abby (age 13) is a beautiful, caring, and talented young lady. She is extremely polite and courteous, always giving thought to others. Her teachers admire her maturity and gentle spirit and probably wish there were 50 more like her. Even though she is not my biological daughter, I see her as if she was. I never have liked the term "step" in defining a child, and I have never considered Abby a "step-daughter." I have always seen her as one of my girls. I have been involved in Abby's life since she was four. She has a deep love for God and is very active in her Christian school. Abby just graduated from Middle School at Capital Christian and will be attending Capital Christian High School (my alma mater) this fall. She is extremely involved in school sports and is very athletic. She also has interests in music and art. Abby is a very talented and gifted ballet dancer. She performs annually in the City of Sacramento's production of "The Nutcracker Suite." She has been a ballerina in this timeless Christmas classic since kindergarten. Abby also enjoys traveling and love Hawaii and Washington DC. I am very proud of Abby and the wonderful young lady she has become, and of the accomplishments in her life.

I am very aware of the impact that my situation has on my daughters. To have a father/step-father in prison is humiliating, shameful, and embarrassing. It impacts them emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My incarceration is a great burden for their young lives to carry. The pain of what my girls go through internally weighs heavily on me each and every day. Hourly, in my awakened hours, I interrupt whatever I am doing, find a quiet place, and lift them up to the Lord. I ask Him to touch them, strengthen them, to be there for them in my absence. I pray for my case, asking and pleading, beseeching God for a miracle, so that I could be there for my girls, and be granted the opportunity to make my wrongs right, to bring full restitution to investors who suffered losses in the Investment Fund. This is the cry of my heart.

I talk to the girls 4-5 times per week on the phone. I always build them up, reminding them of how beautiful, wonderful, and amazing they are, letting them know, I am so proud of them. I tell them they are brave and full of courage. In our conversations, when the situation arises, I substantiate their feelings, letting them know it is ok to feel anger, shame, and hurt. This is important for them to hear, especially from me. (This topic does not come up with Shelby.) Our dialogues cover a wide variety of subjects. I catch up on their world, help them with homework, learn about their day, talk about their dreams and hurts. I make sure they know they can share any problems they are facing. In our communications, I always build up their mothers. I remind the girls how blessed they are to have amazing moms; their moms are beautiful, wonderful, courageous, and intelligent. I believe it is so important for my daughters to hear ... "Daddy respects, loves, and cares for my mom very much.” Our conversations always end with prayer and then I send them a long kiss through the airwaves.

I write my daughters often, sending them cards and letters of encouragement and love. My writings to them consist of thoughts, stories, and memories. I remind them of better days, of wonderful times shared, events lived, and places experienced. I let them know we will live those memories again and build new memories. I tell them stories of others who have walked this path, came out better and stronger, and went on to do great things with their lives.

In closing, could I ask you to remember my daughters in times of prayer? Please pray that God protects and watches over them, and helps carry them through this difficult situation. They are the apple of my eye and the joy of my life. Thank you for your love and support.